Madam, - Our useless electronic voting equipment, so expensively purchased by Minister Martin Cullen with public money, and now languishing in continuing expensive storage, may at last have a profitable future.
A group of Dutch electronics experts, it is reported (The Irish Times, October 6th), has been able to insert a chip into one of these machines which enables the apparatus to play computer games, among other things. This conversion, they say, is simple, rapid and inexpensive.
This opens up a vista of endless possibilities.
With the aid of these clever Dutchmen, we could swiftly convert all our inactive voting machines into a source of enormous fun and profit. They could be programmed to play a variety of video games, such as "Coalition v Opposition - who promises Most?", "Celtic Tiger Hunt", "Defenestration of Developers", "Polluters' Paradise - The Slurry with the Whinge Must Stop - the Musical". The list is endless.
Scripts could be the work of your own delightful Frank McNally, graphics would be the creation of the incomparable Martyn Turner, and the music could be supplied by the Garda Band, as they will have plenty of spare time with the new reserve force coming on stream.
These converted machines would be located around the country in premises originally earmarked for decentralised Government departments but now no longer required for such. There would be dining facilities available in these attractively appointed internet cafés, chief item perhaps being rubber chicken dinners served in distinctive Bertie bowls.
The profits from all this would be devoted to a charity specifically devoted to strapped-for-cash politicians and Government ministers, whose anonymity would be guaranteed by the fact that these machines are incapable of producing any sort of printed records.
In keeping with this privacy, specially reinforced shoe-boxes would be available to store the cash, as no bank accounts would be opened for this scheme.
When can we start please? - Yours, etc,
DAVID GRANT, Mount Pleasant, Waterford.