Honor is sitting at her computer doing fock knows what? Although I’d be shocked if it was homework.
I’m there, “Honor, I need you to brace yourself – for some news.”
Straight away, she goes, “Okay, let me guess – ”
But I’m like, “No, Honor, I’m not going to stand here for 10 minutes while you rack your brains, trying to think of hurtful things to say about me and my quite possibly rugby career.”
Honor goes, ‘I’m editing the school yearbook photographs of anyone who pissed me off’
‘Imagine no possessions. I wonder if you can,’ the old dear sings. Her earrings cost more than my cor
‘I most certainly do have an American accent,’ I tell my supposed half-brother. ‘I’m from south Dublin’
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I hate my children too. Like, how could three kids of mine turn out to be such dicks?’
She goes, “I wouldn’t need to rack my brains? I can think of five funny lines off the top of my head.”
I’m there, “Well, impressive as that is, today there’s no need. I’ve got something important to tell you. And as I mentioned, it’s going to come as a major, major shock to you.”
She goes, “Is this about you having a brother slash half-brother?”
I’m like, “What, you already know?”
“You told me last Saturday – when you came home pissed?”
“I don’t remember that.”
“Er, are you deaf? I said you were pissed.”
“Oh, yeah, no, after the Horlequins match! Yeah, I was rubber, in fairness to me.”
“Well, you ended up spilling your guts out about the whole thing.”
“So, like, how do you feel about it?”
“I’m good with it. You see, I’ve got this, like, system for, like, processing shit?”
“Oh my God, I adore systems. My tactics book is full of them.”
“Well, I came up with this one during Mental Health Week at school. I did a whole thing about it on my YouTube channel. It’s helped loads of people.”
“And, like, how does it work?”
“So, how it works is, whenever someone tells me something, the first thing I do is think to myself, ‘Okay, does this affect me – or, more importantly, benefit me – in any clear or obvious way?’ And if the answer is no, I move it into a file morked ‘Things I Couldn’t Give a Fock About’ and I never think about it ever again.”
God, we’re so alike, it’s terrifying.
I’m there, “That’s amazing, Honor, because I do something very, very similar – except I’ve never thought to call it a system before? What are you doing, by the way?” because me and Sorcha said we should possibly keep a closer eye on what our kids are up to after watching that TV show that everyone’s banging on about.
Look, it’s just that programme had us worried. Well, your old dear was worried. I fell asleep 10 minutes into the first episode
— Ross
She goes, “I’m going through the proofs for our school yearbook.”
I’m there, “That’s all I needed to know, Honor. My work here is done.”
“And I’m editing the photographs of anyone who pissed me off during the year – either chopping off the tops of their heads, or stretching them to distort their faces.”
“Well, you’ve certainly put my mind at ease. There’s no doubt about that.”
“Not that it’s any of your business what I do?”
“Hey, I was just ticking a box, Honor. I was just ticking a box.”
“Oh my God, is this about that TV programme?”
“Which TV programme are we talking in terms of?”
“Er, Adolescence? Because she’s already talked to me, you know?”
“Oh, well – that’s that then. We’re doubling up here.”
“She came into my room and she storted saying how important it was to know your children – like, really know them – as, like, people. And how she wanted to have the same relationship with me as she had with her own mother.”
“Jesus, I’m not excusing that.”
“Then she kept hugging me and acting like a focking weirdo.”
“Look, it’s just that programme had us worried. Well, your old dear was worried. I fell asleep 10 minutes into the first episode, and when I woke up, she was shaking her head and tutting a lot, and I ended up having to agree with her when she said it should be shown in every classroom in the country, and we should all make it our business to possibly know more about what our children get up to on the computer. I didn’t know you had a YouTube channel, by the way.”
“Dad, I’ve got, like, 300,000 subscribers.”
“Hey, it’s not a criticism, Honor. If anything, I’m saying fair focks. Fair, fair focks. Here, didn’t Speranza Dalton piss you off?”
“Excuse me?”
“Yeah, no, I’m looking at Speranza Dalton on the screen there. I was in school with her uncle Des. She went on the rival ski trip to Switzerland, didn’t she? The one that Thia Hall arranged?”
“Oh my God, I nearly forgot about her.”
“And what about Courage Kennedy? Didn’t she tell Rioghnach Morkey that you were using your position as head girl to settle old scores and that you were behaving like a basically fascist – whatever they do.”
“Oh my God, you are so good at this.”
“The O’Carroll-Kellys have always held grudges, Honor.”
“I’m going to crop Courage Kennedy’s photo so it looks like she has really bad bangs.”
“I actually used to keep a little black book with the names of all the people – mostly opposition players – who I hated. Des Dalton was actually on it, ironically enough. Yeah, no, then I typed the whole thing up when someone said computers were going to be the thing of the future.”
“Oh my God, Conwenna Power also went on the rival school trip. And so did Eponine Lynch – even though she tried to deny it.”
Underneath it all – we’re talking, like, deep, deep down – you’re actually an okay person
— Honor
“Happy to help, Honor. Anyway, great chats.”
As I’m walking out of the room, she goes, “Dad?”
And I’m there, “What?”
She goes, “I hope it works out. I’m talking about you and your, I don’t know, whatever the fock he is to you.”
She can be so sweet sometimes that I feel like nearly crying.
I’m there, “Thanks, Honor.”
She goes, “He should consider himself lucky – to have a brother like you?”
I’m like, “That’s all great stuff for me to hear. Say more things.”
She’s there, “It’s just that, underneath it all – we’re talking, like, deep, deep down – you’re actually an okay person.”
I’m there, “I’m on the point of actual tears here, Honor. I can’t believe your old dear was worried about you.”
Yeah, no, I honestly haven’t been this proud of the girl since she finished her community service.
I’m like, “That stupid focking programme.”
She goes, “Do you want me to tell you all the horrible things I was going to say to you – just to take the edge off the moment?”
But I’m there, “No, Honor. The moment is perfect. Just like you.”
