‘What’s this about my old man being on the apps?’
A Prius pulls up at the next pump, just as I’m imagining what topics my pep talk would touch on, and suddenly I hear the driver say my name. She’s like, “Ross!”
And, yeah, no – fock’s sake – it ends up being Claire from Bray of all places.
I’m like, “Er, how are you?” because it’s nice to be nice.
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And she goes, “Amazing! I suppose Sorcha told you that Garret and I have opened a second coffee shop run by ex-offenders – this time in Enniskerry!”
And I’m there, “Yeah, when I asked you how you were, Claire, it was just a figure of speech.”
And that’s when she hits me with it – straight out of left field. She’s like, “Oh my God – random! Did you hear that my mom and your dad connected on Tinder?”
I’m there, “Excuse me?”
She goes, “You do know my parents got a legal separation, don’t you?”
I’m there, “Yeah, frankly, I don’t care about you or anything that happens beyond the Dorgle. What’s this about my old man being on the apps?”
She’s like, “Yeah, he’s on Tinder, Ross. I think he might have gone out on one or two dates with Amie with an -ie’s mother as well.”
The old dear isn’t even cold in the ground
— Ross
That ends up being the line that snaps my crayons.
I drive into town and I throw the cor on the path in front of Fionnuala’s on the Green. I walk past Honor at the concierge desk. She has her nose in her phone and doesn’t notice me. It’s the middle of the afternoon and the restaurant is empty. The old man is sitting in the corner with Hennessy, plotting something or other, no doubt illegal.
He spots me and he goes, “Kicker! How are we feeling about the match against France?”
I’m like, “Never mind that. What’s this about you being on the apps?”
He doesn’t even try to deny it.
He’s there, “Oh, it’s only a bit of fun, Ross!”
I’m like, “The old dear isn’t even cold in the ground.”
He goes, “Nonsense, Ross! She’s been dead six months! And it was her stated wish, while she was still compos mentis, that I should not spend the rest of my life alone. I am a man with needs, Ross!”
I’m there, “Please don’t say sexual needs.”
He’s like, “Sexual needs!”
Something – yeah, no – occurs to me then.
I’m there, “How did you manage to set yourself up on it?” because I saw him once – admittedly pissed – trying to make a phone call using the TV remote.
He goes, “Your wonderful daughter looked after the entire thing!”
That’s when Honor walks into the restaurant.
She’s like, “Er, how did you get in?”
I’m there, “You’re a Gen Z girl with a phone, Honor. I could have morched in here with the entire RTÉ concert orchestra carrying their instruments and you wouldn’t have noticed. What’s this about you setting my old man up on a dating app?”
She’s like, “I know! It’s exciting, isn’t it? Grandad, did you show him the photo you’re using?”
“Oh, yes!” he goes – then he tries to show me his profile pic.
He actually looks well in it, but you wouldn’t give it to him.
I’m there, “I doubt you’ll have many takers.”
He goes, “Au contraire, Ross – pordon the French! I’ve already been out on several of what you young people call dates!”
She made no secret of the fact she’s from Bray. She was very upfront about the entire thing
— Charles
I’m like, “I heard you connected with Claire’s old dear.”
He’s there, “Oh, yes! Bernie!”
I’m like, “Bernie? What, that’s her actual name?”
He goes, “We’re having dinner here tonight!”
I’m there, “You do know she’s from Bray?”
He goes, “Oh, she made no secret of the fact. She was very upfront about the entire thing.”
I’m like, “No shame, in other words. I heard you went out with Amie with an -ie’s old dear as well.”
He goes, “Yes, we had two very enjoyable – again – dates.”
I’m there, “So this is you now, is it? Slutting around town, trying to satisfy your – I don’t even want to say the word – needs?”
Hennessy – my so-called godfather, bear in mind – stares at me and goes, “I don’t remember you running shy of the ladies.”
I’m like, “All I’m saying is that I should have been told about this. I should have been consulted.”
That’s when Ronan makes his entrance from the wine cellar.
He’s like, “Alright, Rosser? What are we talking about – the thrubble with Hodor’s car, is it?”
I’m there, “What trouble with Honor’s cor?”
The four of them go quiet then.
I’m like, “Is someone going to tell me what the fock is going on?”
It’s Ro who eventually goes, “The car what I bought Hodor for Christmas. It turdens out that it was previously owned by a weddle-known Dublin gangland figure.”
I’m like, “Dude, you bought it at a Cab auction. I found a handgun in the glovebox.”
He goes, “Well, since then, Rosser, there’s been developments.”
I’m there, “What kind of developments?”
“It turdens out that this sham lubbed he’s car,” he goes. “It was of – let’s just say – sentimentoddle value. And now the woord on the street is he wants it back.”
I turn around to Honor and I’m like, “That’s it, you’re not driving it any more.”
The old man goes, “Oh, calm down, Kicker. I’m sure the chap is prepared to be reasonable.”
Ronan’s there, “Ine arthur reaching out to him, Rosser, through a mutual associate.”
I’m like, “A mutual associate? Jesus Christ, I’m in an episode of Kin here.”
Honor’s there, “If he wants it back that badly, then he’ll be happy to pay for it.”
“Ine arthur letting him know,” Ronan goes, “that we want a hundoord-an-odd grand for it.”
I look at the four of them sitting there and I end up suddenly losing it.
I’m there, “Sorry, does anyone in this family have a working moral compass?”
They all burst out laughing like it’s the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Hennessy goes, “You know who he reminded me of just then, Charlie? That tribunal chairman who had it in for you!”
They all laugh again.
Then the old man’s phone storts ringing and he gets suddenly very excited. He holds it up to show me the screen and he goes, “Look, Ross! It’s Bernie from Bray of all places!”
