“Ross,” Fionn tries to go, “you can’t keep turning up at the school like this.”
And I’m like, “Who says so?” sitting down opposite him and throwing the old Dubey Dubey Doos up on his desk.
He’s there, “I say so,” sweeping them off with his hand.
Yeah, no, the whole headmaster thing wasn’t long in going to his head.
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I’m like, “One of your — I think it’s a word? — predecessors had no problem with me turning up at the school like this,” and he knows straight away that I’m talking about Fr Fehily. “He considered me a legend. Of course, he remembered that I brought glory to this school.”
Oh, that touches a nerve with him. He knows he wouldn’t have a Leinster Schools Senior Cup medal if it wasn’t for me. Well, he doesn’t have one. It was taken off him because I was doping, but I think my point still stands.
He goes, “Ross, I’m a very busy man. In case you haven’t noticed, we have exams going on at the moment. Junior and Leaving Cert.”
I’m there, “I’ll get straight to the point then. I think you should change your mind.”
“About what?”
“About letting girls into the school.”
“You mean about Castlerock College going coeducational from the next school year?”
“Yeah, no, whatever way you want to put it. You’re making a massive, massive mistake, Dude. But it’s not too late to do something about it.”
“I’m not making a mistake, Ross. And besides, it is too late, because we already have 70 girls registered for September.”
“Seventy?”
“More than 70 in fact.”
“Jesus.”
“Now, if you don’t mind, Ross — ”
“You’re not going to get away with this.”
“Get away with what?”
“With destroying, I don’t know, a hundred and something years of tradition. You’re making a lot of enemies.”
“Am I?”
“Powerful enemies.”
“I can live with that.”
He just, like, shit-smiles at me. We’re talking Green Porty levels of smugness here. I do what I did back in the day. I recycle the ball and I change the angle of attack.
I’m there, “You’ve changed, Dude. Since you hooked up with her again.”
I’m talking about Ciara Casaubon with the glasses and the hairy neck wart who took his virginity on the night of his 24th birthday and who’s now his — yeah, no — vice-principal. She’s the one who put him up to this. He had no issue with Castlerock College being an all-boys school until she stepped back into his life.
“If I’ve changed,” he goes, “I hope it’s for the better.”
And I’m there, “Trust me, Dude, it’s not.”
All of a sudden the door of his office is thrown open and she rushes into the room. She doesn’t even acknowledge me. She was never what I would call a rugby person. The things I did on the pitch would mean very little to her and I just don’t know how to relate to people like that.
She goes, “Fionn, we have a problem.”
I’m there, “No ‘hello’, Ciara? No ‘it’s great to see you back at the school that you brought honour to all those years ago’, no?”
She looks at me like I’ve turned up in a clown suit at her old man’s wake. Yeah, no, my feet are up on the desk again.
Fionn goes, “What is it, Ciara?”
She’s there, “I think you need to come and see this.”
Then off she jolly well focks, with Fionn following closely behind her, so I stand up and I decide to go with them, just to find out what all the fuss is about. When we head outside, I notice that there’s, like, a couple of hundred students standing around, looking pale-faced and in shock. Mind you, they’re Millennials — that’s kind of their default look.
Fionn goes, “What’s going on? Why aren’t they in exams?”
And that’s when we suddenly hear a loud boom — although it’s probably more of a BADOOM!!! than anything else? We all look to where the noise came from and we notice this, like, crane thing with a humungous wrecking ball on the end of it. And — holy shitting shit-sticks — it’s knocking down the actual school library!
Fionn’s there, “What in the name of — ”
Except he doesn’t get to finish the question, because all of a sudden there’s another BADOOM!!! as the ball crashes into the building again, this time taking down an entire wall.
Fionn decides to confront the, I don’t know, crane operator, rushing over to him, waving his orms like he’s helping to land a plane and shouting, “STOP! STOP! STOP!”
I follow him because it’s genuinely funny. But it’s only when I see who’s actually operating the crane that I realise just how funny? Because sitting in the little cab, wearing a hord hat and a yellow, high-viz bib, is my old man.
Fionn’s like, “Chorles? What the hell are you doing?”
“Ah,” the old man goes, “good morning, Mr Principal!”
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I’m knocking down the library — which I paid for, in case you need reminding!”
“There’s supposed to be exams going on in that building right now.”
“You didn’t think I was going to just sit back and watch you destroy one-hundred-and-something years of tradition by allowing girls into this school, did you?”
I’m there, “I told you that you were making powerful enemies, Fionn. Although where he learned to operate a wrecking ball, I don’t know.”
The old man goes, “It’s really rather simple, Kicker! It’s just a series of levers, don’t you know! Would you like a go?”
Fionn’s there, “Ciara, call the gords.”
“There’s absolutely nothing they can do,” the old man goes. “If you care to check my contract with the school, I own the building and can do with it what I please. And right now, it pleases me to knock it down.”
“If you think this is going to make me change my mind,” Fionn goes, “then you’re delusional.”
The old man’s there, “I think it’s you who’s delusional, Mr Principal!”
And in that moment, I shove Fionn out of the way and I go, “Okay, Dude, give me a go of that thing!”
