Unconscionable coupling is all the rage in swinging Leinster House these days.
But the consenting parties would rather keep the affair behind closed doors.
Preferably with curtains drawn.
Now, as everybody knows, we are not ones to go around spreading gossip. But wait until you hear this: Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael have a new bit on the side (Bots). The affair has been going on since last month. They all went in with eyes wide open, knowing what they wanted. No intention of stopping either.
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Of course, they know everyone knows but would rather not think about that.
In bed with baggage-laden, tribunal baddy Michael Lowry (the man once disowned by Fine Gael and once deemed unfit for the Dáil by the leader of Fianna Fáil) and a small cohort of independently willing bedfellows.
It’s all rather embarrassing. People are talking and not in a good way.
They would rather keep their bit on the side a naughty little secret. But this is impossible when the two main Coalition parties and the Regional Independent Group are shacked up in Government together.
So they try to keep apart in public places, like in the Dáil chamber.
Some members of the Regional Independents insist they are not in an ongoing and lasting political friends-with-benefits relationship with the Government.
They cement this assertion on the occasions they are not consensually cosying up to Micheál Martin and Simon Harris; they want to jump between the sheets with an Opposition completely horrified by their unwanted advances and are absolutely withholding its consent.
The Bots are pressing their unwanted claim for Opposition speaking time with the full blessing of the Taoiseach – uncompromisingly reiterated by Micheál on Tuesday when he faced a renewed storm of protest from across the floor.
For the sake of Fianna Fáil’s respectability it looks better to have the regional group at arm’s length for those times they aren’t required to perform for the Government.
This unsavoury situation has soured Dáil proceedings for weeks and continues to place a stain on the smooth running of the House.
For some reason, the Taoiseach is cool with his new playmates indulging in a spot of political polygamy with his opponents.
[ The Irish Times view on the Dáil speaking time row: time to get back to workOpens in new window ]
“It is a fundamental, basic principle that people are allowed to associate with whom they like,” he said as Opposition leaders fought for their honour.
“We have freedom of association.”
Yes, and as Mary Lou McDonald, Ivana Bacik, Cian O’Callaghan and Richard Boyd Barrett are blue-in-the-face repeating, Lowry’s group freely chooses to associate with his Government.
The Sinn Féin leader was not happy with the attempt to foist the Bots on them. “It’s unacceptable. It will not fly. I am on my feet to make that clear to you” said Mary Lou.
The Labour leader followed suit, slamming this attempt to “ram through” a proposal to have the Coalition’s current squeeze designated as “Other Members” so they can play the field.
“It is ridiculous to see the tortuous attempts the Government making now to facilitate the Lowry Lackeys by this attempt to shoehorn in …”
Ivana has been successfully shoehorning in the “Lowry’s Lackeys” moniker for some time now and the Taoiseach and Tánaiste’s bit on the side don’t like it.
“Who do you think you are?” huffed Minister of State for Agriculture Michael Healy-Rae, from his swanky new berth on the Government side of the chamber.
You can’t say Micheál and Simon don’t give them nice things.
The Ceann Comhairle was quick to intervene.
“The Deputy should show respect. Deputy Bacik must show respect for other deputies,” chided Verona Murphy, herself a member of the Regional Independent Group before its leader Lowry coupled up with the Government after striking the deal to make her Ceann Comhairle.
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The acting leader of the Social Democrats said his party is strongly resisting the Taoiseach’s immodest proposal. “We need more Government accountability rather than creating new slots where only Government TDs can ask questions of the Government,” seethed Cian O’Callaghan.
Richard Boyd Barrett of People Before Profit–Solidarity was roaringly beyond his usual level of anger. By insisting that its Bots from the combined Lowry and Healy-Rae groups can be simultaneously in Government and Opposition, the Coalition is “trying to undermine democracy”.
Minister of State for Research and Development Noel Grealish, part of the Lowry gang before he ascended to super junior status, was unfazed.
“Get a majority and vote it down,” he smirked, happy in the knowledge that he is Micheál’s majority and thus already spoken for.
The Taoiseach wasn’t entertaining the outrage from across the chamber.
For starters, it’s not just his crowd who have a wandering eye.
“I’ve listened to quite a lot and I’ve observed with some interest the growing alliance between the Labour Party and the Sinn Féin Party in this House.”
Another unconscionable coupling, in his mind.
Sinn Féin chief whip Pádraig Mac Lochlainn put Micheál straight. Four Opposition groups are in this arrangement standing firm against the persistent advances of his Coalition’s new bit on the side.
“An alliance of the Left,” said Richard Boyd Barrett.
“You still don’t have enough for Government!” whooped Grealish, who gave enough to Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael to get them into Government and earn himself a high chair at the Cabinet table.
The Taoiseach doesn’t think his administration is doing anything wrong by looking after its Coalition squeeze. Au contraire. “It seems to me that the Opposition has been trying to ram through a new order in the House and a new precedent.”
TDs should be allowed to associate with whom they like.
“That is being denied here for the first time,” sighed Micheál, saying he has never seen such a thing happen in all his years in Dáil Éireann.
Matters weren’t helped by “a bit of a herd-like attitude” from the Opposition and some media members, he added. People would be shocked if they heard some of their TDs don’t have the right to ask questions.
Oh, yes they do. Plenty.
The Taoiseach is adamant. “We are not going to be railroaded, browbeaten or intimidated by the Opposition in terms of its tactics.”
He could give them some of his Government’s speaking time, but then that would mean recognising his Coalition’s bit on the side.
The shame would be too much to bear for all of them.
