You’d be goggle-eyed after a weekend like that, although for any of you worrying that your blurred vision was due to a potential cataract, it was probably just down to watching normal and extra-time and penalties between teams wearing indecipherable reddish and orangey kits in Clones.
RTÉ did well on the Ulster final. And suggesting that RTÉ did well on anything is a perilous road to take, guaranteeing an email from, say, Seamus8726407154791524@gmail.com of a Monday morning alleging that you’ve been bought by George Soros and you support The Great Replacement.
But RTÉ did do well. They addressed the Rory Gallagher issue, they didn’t shy away from it, but had the good sense to know that Ulster final day in Clones wasn’t the time nor place to delve deeper in to something as gut-wrenchingly horrific as the allegations made against him.
“While acknowledging that some things are far more important than sport,” said Joanne Cantwell, “it is football we’re going to be talking about today.”
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And that was good.
Earlier, we had Dublin v Louth, the non-contest so dismal our co-commentator Éamonn Fitzmaurice sounded like he was falling asleep, possibly only Marty Morrissey’s hospital requests, an abundance of which he obliged just to break the monotony, keeping him from nodding off.
Derry v Armagh was a touch more competitive, although a Gaelic football penalty shoot-out will never not be strange. All we needed was George Hamilton telling us that Derry/Armagh were holding their breath, before Odhrán “Packie Bonner” Lynch saved from Ethan “Daniel Timofte” Rafferty.
A grim weekend for Armagh, an exceptional one for both Ben Healys.
The cycling version only went and won a Giro d’Italia stage on Saturday, becoming only the sixth Irish lad to achieve the feat, Eurosport’s Daniel Lloyd doffing his cap to the fellah by pointing out that he was pursued through the stage by a very high-quality bunch of cycling people. “It wasn’t a group of fish-and-chippers who were trying to chase him down,” he said.
This, of course, suggested that fish-and-chippers can’t move swiftly on bicycles, which was offensive, the other Ben Healy proving the point by helping Munster deep-fry Leinster in their URC semi-final.
“Rotation once again,” Clare MacNamara came close to singing when revealing Leinster’s line-up, admirably keeping her focus despite one of her panel wearing red shoes. Not Jamie Heaslip, needless to say, not Eddie O’Sullivan, the culprit being Donncha O’Callaghan.
And then Munster put on their red shoes and danced all over the Blues, thanks to Jack Crowley’s late drop goal, coach Graham Rowntree joining the RTÉ panel after the game, chuffed, but distracted. “They’re eye-watering,” he said of Donncha’s footwear.
Speaking of eye-watering things. The attendance at Wembley for the women’s FA Cup final. Now, this couch has long since tired of the chief focus on women’s sporting events being the amount of people who bother to turn up to witness them, having focused on little else for an abundance of years on said numbers.
Still, smiles were unavoidable when Gabby Logan reminded Alex Scott that she played in front of a crowd of 4,988 at Doncaster’s Keepmoat Stadium precisely 10 years ago when Arsenal beat Bristol Academy in the FA Cup final. And here we were, 77,390 filling Wembley. A good day.
Before the game, Alex Scott had a chat with Chelsea’s Sam Kerr, who revealed that her chief pre-match superstition is her need to eat a pasta sandwich with bolognese. She conceded that some folk regarded that as “disgusting”, Alex’s green face confirming that she was among them. Us too. Jesus.
And then Kerr scored the only goal of the game, no end to this one’s impact on the sport of Association Football.
“Cometh the hour, cometh the Sam,” as our BBC commentator Robyn Cowen put it.
Armagh, Leinster and all the fish-and-chippers who tried to catch Ben Healy will be ordering pasta sandwiches with bolognese as we speak.
