They’re hardy folk, those presenters and pundits who stood on pitches the length and breadth of Ireland over the weekend bringing us the chats, all the while fearing they’d end up as ice sculptures thanks to the Baltic conditions.
Clare MacNamara’s head was barely visible when she welcomed us to the Sportsground for Connacht and Leinster’s URC ding-dong, the cold converting her breath into a vapour-like trail, the likes of which is usually only seen coming out of a 747.
None was hardier, though, than Donncha O’Callaghan who was dressed merely in a shirt, blazer and skinny pants, while Clare, Jamie Heaslip and Bernard Jackman donned gear more usually spotted in the North Pole. And Donncha still sported a tan which you can be bloody certain he didn’t get in the Sportsground in December.
Connacht coach Pete Wilkins reminded us that just a week before his lads were playing in 34 degrees in Pretoria, so there was a lot of acclimatising to be done, as there was over in Croke Park ahead of the Leinster hurling final between O’Loughlin Gaels and Na Fianna.
“I’m delighted to be joined by seven-time All Ireland winner Richie Hogan and the Dublin hurling captain Eoghan O’Donnell,” said Damian Lawlor. “One slightly better introduction than the other there, Damien,” said Eoghan. But he was relieved, at least, that Hogan had announced his retirement from intercounty hurling a few weeks back. “I’ve marked Richie a couple of times over the years, this is the closest I’ve ever got to him,” he said.
If you wanted a taste of how the other half live you just had to flick over to Sky Sports Golf for the Hero World Challenge in the Bahamas where the 20 players in the field were wiping the sweat from their brows.
Although, in truth the coverage suggested there was only one player in the field, but that was fine because the one was Tiger Woods. How excited were Sky to have the fella back in action? Very. Indeed, after he played a chippy shot to a green, David Howell reenacted it at the request of presenter Simon Holmes, his effort flying over the hole and through the green screen at the back of the studio.
“Let’s head back to Tiger Woods,” said Simon, who might have meant “the tournament”, the mother of all Freudian slips, that.
And all the while – lest you think your Saturday was taxing – an eye had to be kept on the draw for Euro 2024, to which, of course, we have not been invited. Albania have qualified, though, and no offence, but God almighty.
Before it got up and running Esther Sedlaczek welcomed Euro 2024 mascot Albart on stage. “He will be one of the stars of the Uefa 2024,” she said. “Bet he won’t,” said the BBC’s Jonathan Pearce, refusing to get in to the spirit of things. “How excited are you about the upcoming tournament,” Esther asked Albart, forgetting that he is a human encased in a teddy bear outfit so no answer was forthcoming.
The venue for the draw was Hamburg’s Elbphilharmonie, which Jason Mohammad told us “features the world’s longest curved escalator”, and when you’re armed with that level of information nothing is impossible.
After our other host Pedro Pinto informed us that the city would build the six groups with shipping containers down by the docks, like you do, it was time for business. But it was quite hard to concentrate because, well, the draw was soundtracked by a lot of moaning and grunting.
At first you wondered if it was Alan Shearer back in the studio when he saw that England were in a group with Slovenia, Denmark and Serbia – “without doubt, you’d expect them to win all those games .... and that’s not being arrogant” – but the BBC informed us that Uefa were investigating after “sex noises were transmitted during the broadcast of the Euro 2024 draw”. It might well have been the sporting highlight of the year.
Micah Richards emitted similar noises when he, Jamie Carragher and Roy Keane were treated by Sky to a string of tricks by the magician known as Dynamo.
Micah and Jamie were gobsmacked by his excellence.
“He was absolutely extraordinary, wasn’t he,’ said our host David Jones.
“Yeah,” said Roy, “but it’s his job, isn’t it?” He’s an ice sculpture, that lad.
