It’s nigh time broadcasters put up one of those “this programme may contain scenes that some viewers might find upsetting” warnings before coverage of golf tournaments involving Rory McIlroy. A little like when lions are chasing gazelles, or when Casemiro is playing a back-pass, you spend the bulk of your time located behind a cushion.
Frankly, 2024 can’t end soon enough for the fella, nor for his devotees, his latest slice of heartache occurring in, of all places, Royal County Down.
“Settle down, SETTLE DOWN! What the heck,” as Tony Johnstone put it when that over-hit birdie effort on the 17th left Rory in a world of trouble. “Burdened by expectations,” David Howell sighed as Rory gazed at the heavens in a “what next?” kind of way. “Oh my,” Tony murmured. “Yes,” said David. “Brain. Scrambled.”
And not even the club selection advice offered from the couches of Ireland could help him, even though between himself and ourselves we have four Majors and 26 PGA Tour wins. Rory ended up needing an eagle on the final hole if he was to force a play-off with Rasmus Højgaard.
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Just an observation: when Højgaard birdied the 17th from the bunker, the crowd applauded in lusty appreciation. This, of course, was sporting behaviour at its finest, even if the Dane was on the verge of breaking Rory-loving hearts.
Not to be too down on Americans, but that moment when two of their caddies ripped off their shirts, played bongos on their tummies and Riverdanced on the fairway after Megan Khang’s eagle in the Solheim Cup on Saturday – “attention-seeking vulgarity,” said an appalled Guardian – when Europe’s Madelene Sagstrom still had to play her shot? We’re just better mannered, really. Not to make sweeping generalisations about a nation, but it’s likely that those caddies dined on Gainesville’s cats and dogs in celebration.
Back in Down, Rory played the mother, father, auntie and uncle of second shots to the 18th, giving him a chance of an eagle. “It’s amazing what you can produce when you have nothing to lose,” said Tony. But it wasn’t to be, his putt drifting millimetres wide, so no play-off.
There’ll be no cheering Rory up at this juncture, but there’s no shame in finishing second. Nor third. And that was where rowers Daire Lynch and Philip Lynch came in their rowing event at the Olympics.
When Daire did a tour of his native Clonmel’s schools on his return from Paris, with a bronze medal draped around his neck, he would have been entitled to expect a rapturous reception. First question from the young people? “Why didn’t you win the gold?” The Late Late Show audience chuckled heartily, Daire just concluded he has to work harder before LA.
Cricket, incidentally, will feature in the 2028 Olympics for the first time since 1900, and if Orla Prendergast doesn’t make an appearance, it’ll be a crime against cricketing humanity. She is severely good.
“And she only has skin on one hand,” commentator Duane Dell’Oca told Virgin Media’s audience on Sunday after she scored 80 from 51 balls in Ireland’s first ever Twenty20 triumph over England. Duane went on to explain the skinlessness, which involved an accident, but when you go “LA LA LA LA LA” loud enough, you can drown these things out.
It was a humdinger of a climax to the match in Clontarf. “There are some sweaty palms and thumping hearts right now – and that’s just in the commentary booth,” said Duane, Isobel Joyce, alongside him, hyperventilating. But Ireland prevailed in the last over, Prendergast winning herself the player of the match and player of the series awards.
“Form is precious – I just try to make the most of it when I feel good,” she said on receiving her gongs. Arsenal could relate after winning the north London derby, making the most of their form to see off Spursy.
Not that Paul Merson put too much pressure on them in advance of the game. “It’s all or nothing,” he said, three games in to the season. “If they go and draw this game and then go to the Etihad next Sunday and they lose that, they’re seven points behind Man City, that’s a lot of points.”
That was a touch negative, as was his take on a cranky first half during which seven players were admonished. “This referee is handing out yellow cards like ice creams,” he said at the break, Jamie Redknapp and Les Ferdinand’s faces saying “what?” But Arsenal prevailed, Merse left having to turn his doubts on Wolves’s Brazilian signing André before their game against Newcastle.
“I don’t think Brazil will win the World Cup, do you? This lad plays for Brazil, a central midfield player ….. he’s playing for Wolves today. I think he’ll be more a European player, not like the flair and the flicky here and flicky there.”
Flicky here and flicky there summed up the sporting weekend, really. Highs, lows and flicky in-betweens. And another Rory display that some viewers would have found find upsetting. Sport? It’d wear you out.
