Planet Football: After the week he had we can only hope that Ronaldinho isn't a sensitive lad.
It was bad enough for the fella that he was part of that Champions League defeat by Liverpool, but he really could have done without Spanish newspaper ASpublishing two topless photos of him, one taken in 2003, the other after the Liverpool game, to demonstrate that he's been eating too many pies.
Worst of all, though, is the rather peculiar item that's up for sale on Ebay: Ronaldinho "sculptured as a white horse". The Israeli seller hasn't had any bids yet but that could be due to three reasons: (1) He's set the starting bid at $25,000, and postage for the, eh, horse is $2,500; (2) He's spelt the Brazilian's name "Ronaldinio", so any Ronaldinho devotees won't find him when they use the search function on Ebay, and (3) It's quite the most hideous thing we've ever seen. Ever.
Quotes of the week
"It couldn't have come at a better time because I was a bit down at missing out on signing a Chinese striker in the transfer window. You must know the guy - Win One Soon"
- Wigan manager Paul Jewell after chairman Dave Whelan gave him a gift of a suit of armour. Don't ask.
"It is obviously not our dream to have to go to Blackburn. It's hardly the most fantastic place touristically"
- Arsene Wenger, tingling at the prospect of visiting Ewood Park. Last week he used the word "footballistically", so he's on an istically roll.
"Tell me, why do the FA drop them down? If they're not good enough to referee at the top level, what's different at our level? I believe every manager will be crapping themselves because they think they're going to get him"
- Cardiff manager Dave Jones welcomes referee Martin Clattenburg to the Championship after his demotion from the Premiership.
"I was just amazed by what was happening around us, we didn't know what was going on, but that's the French I suppose"
- Ryan Giggs after the fuss that followed his goal against Lille. He'll be getting a visit from Eric Cantona soon.
"I believe Mr Kinnear, who I have never met in my life, has got a heart condition so the last thing I suggest to him is get involved with a club like QPR - he will be dead before he even starts"
- QPR chairman Gianni Paladini advises Joe Kinnear against looking to return to football at Loftus Road.
No Meares romance
It's not often we get the opportunity to introduce a bit of romance to Planet Football, so we can't resist sharing the lovely news about Spurs' Jermain Defoe and Charlotte Meares.
On Valentine's Day Jermain booked an entire section of the restaurant in the stately home of Brocket Hall, at a cost of £10,000, where he then proposed to Charlotte, whipping a £63,000 ring out of his back pocket.
"It was the best day of my life, it was so romantic," said Charlotte, a 21-year-old model. "The ring is perfect. It's so big on my finger."
And big very definitely is beautiful in Charlotte's eyes. She and Jermain have just had a home built in Hertfordshire, at a cost of £3 million. It sounds to us like most of the loot was spent on the designer kitchen which, at Charlotte's request, was fitted with two wine coolers, each holding 132 bottles of wine, a 6ft 4in tall, 4ft-wide fridge, three stainless steel sinks, two dishwashers, two 42-inch plasma television screens, and, best of all, six ovens.
Why does Charlotte need six ovens? In light of her admission that the only cooking she has done to date is "Pot Noodle", we're not entirely sure.
More quotes of the week
"When you're dealing with someone who only has a pair of underpants on, if you take his underpants off, he has nothing left - he's naked. You're better off trying to find him a pair of trousers to complement him rather than change him"
- Arsene Wenger on . . . ... not sure, but magic mushrooms, perhaps?
"The country is actually close to me because I have relatives there. I also have a strong feeling about saving my money"
- AC Milan coach Carlo Ancelotti offends all of Scotland while revealing his links with the place.
"Cristiano (Ronaldo) makes me laugh because he is the only one to have his personal mirror in the dressingroom. He spends hours doing his hair and putting on his gel. He loves his face and body"
- Patrice Evra probably reveals more than he should about a team-mate.
"Gary (Neville) talks very quickly and gets facial twitches. He often makes little grimaces as if he were receiving an electric shock"
- Patrice Evra probably reveals more than he should about a team-mate.
"If we were to stay up, it would be like winning the play-off final, swimming the Channel and climbing Mount Everest"
- Watford manager Adrian Boothroyd, underestimating the size of the task ahead of him.
Vintage Keane
It was, as it proved, a vintage week for Roy Keane quotes, his finest, perhaps, his revelation that "I've not been one for ranting and raving on the sideline . . . I'm quite a cool dude, really". Who'd have thought it, eh?
His message to his fellow managers who do go in for that ranting and raving business? "They all need to calm down, they're getting stressed for no reason. It's just a game of football." Our favourite, though, was his, um, tribute to Nyron Nosworthy: "Now that Nos has switched to centre back, he's got much less time on the ball, which is best for all concerned."
Great manager debate
"Many great managers in the world have never won the Champions League - a big example is not far from us." Jose Mourinho. See below.
"Plenty of managers have won the Champions League who will not be considered as great managers." Arsene Wenger. See above.
Lads? Enough.
