After parachuting from his stricken balloon somewhere over eastern New Mexico Dick Rutan dusted himself down, removed the collection of cactus needles that were sticking in to his face, giving him that hedgehoggie look, sighed with relief and then uttered the immortal line: "We had a serious failure."
Back in the CBS News studio Dan Rather tried not to giggle as he concluded yet another report on yet another balloon that had yet another crash-bang-thud-wallop ending to yet another attempt to become the first to circumnavigate the world non-stop.
"That's part of our world. Tonight," whispered Dan and, indeed, balloons were very much part of our world last week on television, as every news programme on every channel followed the attempts of a series of mad people/heroic adventurers to zip around the globe in their helium-driven machines.
Rutan and Dave Melton were having a go at the last great aviation challenge in their Global Hilton; fellow American Steve Fossett was on board the Solo Spirit and a Swiss-Belgian-British team was hoping to go up, up and way in the Breitling Orbiter 2 from Switzerland some time last week. Meanwhile Richard Branson, who hopes to set off in his balloon next month, was sitting at home in London pretending he wished all his rivals well. At the beginning of the week the news programmes were taking all these challenges very seriously; by Friday they had become the amusing little stories that pop up after the round-up of the headlines at the end of the bulletin.
Steve Fossett was the first to go gadunk. "Things are going really well," said a spokesman from his mission control last weekend. "He's on course." By Monday a faulty heater, low winds and even lower fuel forced Fossett to land in a muddy field north of Slavyansk-in-Kuban in Russia.
"I've been to Russia twice before and I enjoy it here, so I may come back as a tourist," said Fossett who, unlike his balloon, wasn't the least bit deflated when he spoke to Sky News. Indeed Fossett's ballooning adventures have taken him to parts of the world few of us will ever see - a year ago he crash landed into a tree, at the edge of a mustard field, beside the Indian village of Naonjhar, causing consternation amongst the inhabitants who mistook his craft for a sacred temple.
One balloon down, two to go. Except last week's second challenger, the Breitling Orbiter 2, never got off the ground as one of the connections between the capsule and the balloon snapped while it was being unloaded into take-off position by a crane.
While the Swiss and Belgian members of the crew wept openly while they inspected their burst balloon, and hinted at the possibility of sabotage, their British flight engineer, Andy Elson, looked on the bright side: "Well, at least we weren't up in the air when it happened," he said.
Two down, one to go. The 172-foot, 52-metre high Global Hilton looked promising. The BBC, ITV, Sky, CBS, and NBC brought us coverage of lift-off from Albuquerque, New Mexico on Friday and used pictures from American Channel 13's JetCopter, which was flying alongside the Global Hilton as it set off. An hour, 100 miles and a ruptured helium gas cell later and it was back down to earth, with a bang.
Well, Rutan and Melton were back down to earth again. The balloon? "Um, we are unclear of its whereabouts," admitted one of the flight organisers to a CBS reporter, leaving the Federal Aviation Authority having to warn aircraft to avoid the area. Latest reports have the pilotless balloon well on its way to circumnavigating the globe, like one of those horses that wins a Grand National without a jockey - and gets absolutely no credit for its victory.
By Friday evening Sky News gave us a round-up of the global ballooning situation, and pointed out that the week's catastrophes were good news for Richard Branson. "Branson's second attempt last month from Morocco was literally blown away when his balloon took off without him and his crew," said reporter Desmond Hammil, while we watched pictures of Richard being interviewed in Morocco, while his balloon was taking off on a solo flight behind his shoulder. "Uh oh," said the reporter, prompting Richard to turn around in time to see Virgin Challenger II drift away unmanned. "It does not like being tethered on the ground," he explained, "it wants to be up there and flying free." Uh oh. "Tis not the same way we all go," as our Grannies used to say.
Maybe what these balloonists need to do before they get airborne is to give their little Barneys a kiss, then their luck might change. It certainly worked for Raymond `Barney Rubble' Barneveld in his clash of the giants against Steve `Bronze Adonis' Beaton in the Darts World Championships in Frimley Green last week.
Dutch postman Barneveld thrashed Beaton (who isn't called `Bronze Adonis' for nothing) 5-0, a defeat which, added to Bobby George's elimination the previous evening, removed the glamour element from the competition.
"Before de game I give my little Barney a kiss," explained Barneveld in his post-match interview with the BBC's Dougie Donnelly. "So, you see, it helps - it's my luck charm for the week." Dougie looked puzzled. "Your Barney?" "Yeah, look at my socks," said Barneveld, as he pulled up his trouser leg and revealed a sock with a picture of Barney Rubble from the Flintstones. "A good friend of mine gave them to me so I've worn them the WHOLE week," he said. Ugggh.
"So Barney Rubble is the secret," said Dougie, who by now had ordered a clothes-peg from the floor manager, which he intended to clip on to his nose.
