It might have made more sense to have had Noel Gallagher eating ostrich anus on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, while Dennis Wise pundited on Sky's Super Dooper Sunday, but telly is a little befuddling these days.
Of course, there will be those who’ll argue that Dennis in the jungle and Noel sitting between Graeme Souness and Gary Neville while analysing the Manchester derby is perfectly fine, sport and entertainment being one and the same.
They should tell Everton and Manchester United that, the pair of them hoofing more garryowens on Sunday afternoon than we saw all Saturday night at Thomond Park, as familiar with the notion of entertainment as, say, Dennis’s jungle buddy Amir Khan is with history and current affairs (“Has there ever been a woman prime minister?”).
On being told that Noel would be a pundit for the game, José Mourinho replied: “I think if someone invited me to be a pundit on the Eurovision Song Contest I wouldn’t go.” Mind you, he’d probably position the singer and guitarist so deep on stage they’d be behind the drums, while providing them with a tune with all middle eights and no chorus. Which was pretty much how Gary summed up United’s day.
It hadn’t started all that well for Gary either, Noel being a little disrespectful. “It’s great to be sat beside a legend of the game,” he said pointing at Graeme, “and Gary Neville.” Graeme chuckled, Gary tried to.
Mullered
The team news suggested that José was intent on releasing the handbrake on his bus, but then the game started and he had his XI play like they had Harry Arter, David Meyler and Jeff Hendrick in midfield, with Daryl Murphy on his own up front. Still, despite being mullered, and having only 25 per cent of the possession, they were 1-1 at half-time, proving football is even funnier than we thought.
“It’s been fascinating watching this fella have a mental breakdown,” Noel said of Gary, who simply trusted that United couldn’t be any worse in the second half.
He was wrong, although Romelu Lukaku did manage to double his number of goal assists. Admittedly, at the wrong end. That was the biggest impact any United player had, though, on the game, leaving Noel beyond chuffed. “It was a tough, tough, tough game when it went 1-1, I was kind of thinking ‘ooh, I don’t know how it’s going to pan out’, but I thought we were brilliant.” Some will argue that’s more insightful than anything Jamie Redknapp has ever offered on Sky, but that’s just mean.
Geoff Shreeves asked José where it all went wrong. He was predictably magnanimous. On that moment Ander Herrera dragged his foot in to Nicolas Otamendi’s and went down like he’d been sprayed by an AK47: “Clear penalty!”
José had berated City players pre-match for diving, so Noel couldn’t keep in the giggles. “This is what people don’t like about him, the hypocrisy of that man is staggering.” Gary couldn’t even bring himself to argue.
Serenading
Jurgen Klopp had been no less aggrieved earlier in the day about spot-kick issues, this time over Everton being awarded one for Dejan Lovren’s brush with Dominic Calvert-Lewin. Wayne Rooney put it away, which briefly silenced those who’d been serenading him with “you’re just a fat Granny shagger” all game.
Inconceivably, then, the game ended in a draw, this after Jamie Carragher had noted that “if Everton play any deeper they’d be in Stanley Park”.
Sky's Patrick Davison had the task of chatting with a highly agitated Jurgen after the game, his levels of agitation, you might have noted, always easily read by how much he scratches himself. David Attenborough could probably make a programme out of this phenomenon (Red Planet?).
He scratched himself even harder when Patrick argued with him that the penalty might have been fairly awarded. “Ha, ha, ha! We can stop the interview because I only want to talk to people who have a little bit of understanding about football!”
Patrick battled on heroically and the gaffer ended up conceding that “there are bigger catastrophes on this plane . . . but it feels not so good”. Jurgen and José shared a mood, then, come the end of their Not So Super Sunday, while Big Sam and Medium-sized Pep struggled to suppress their grins.
Meanwhile, Sky are showing Bournemouth v Liverpool next Super Sunday, but have yet to confirm if they’ll have another celebrity punditing. You’d guess Ken Dodd and his Diddy Men might be available, though.
Nothing would surprise you at this stage. Gawd, next thing RTÉ will be inviting Conor McGregor's sister on Dancing With The Stars. Ha, ha, ha. (RTÉ Press Office: "Eh . . . ")
