Spiteful to the last wordThat was a tremendous spat between Danny Mills (Middlesbrough) and Clinton Morrison (Birmingham) last week, one that appeared to conclude with Morrison telling the press that he reminded Mills he was only "England's fifth-choice right-back".

But no, there was more. Mills: "Everyone in football knows Morrison can be an arrogant idiot who is obviously looking for a bit of cheap publicity. If he can't make headlines by scoring goals, I suppose this is how he has to operate. He even has the audacity to have a plus sign between the one and nine on his shirt. I don't know what it means - it's probably the number of goals he's scored in the past five years."

Saucers of milk all around.

Wanting to shoot the messenger

Radio and television commentators are regularly irritated by ear-splitting public announcers in grounds, ones who drown out their every word and leave them in desperate need of headache tablets.

Most of these commentators, though, grin and bear it - but not BBC Radio 5 Live's Alan Green, according to The Guardian's Media section.

Green was, evidently, a touch irked by the announcer at the Millennium Stadium before the League Cup final: "Where is that moron? Someone give me a gun. Show me where he is and I'll shoot him. I tell you what I'd like to do. I'd like to get a rocket and strap it to the back of that stadium announcer. Then I'd light it and he'd drop somewhere in Cardiff Bay."

Wouldn't you hate to meet Green when he was really angry?

Quotes of the week

"Steven Gerrard wears his shirt on his sleeve."

- A Liverpool supporter tries to pay tribute to the midfielder on BBC Radio 5 Live.

"I didn't realise that Vladimir Putin had taken over Chelsea Television, he runs the television stations in Russia as well, you know."

- Former Chelsea chairman Ken Bates, claiming the clubski has censored tributes to him on their own channel.

"Financially and sports-wise the club is at the bottom of the abyss."

- Zoumana Camara, enjoying his time at Leeds.

"Most of our fans get behind us and are fantastic, but those who don't should shut the hell up or they can come round to my house and I will fight them."

- QPR boss Ian Holloway issues a risky invitation.

"They could win everything put in front of them. I think I could pick six of them to win the Boat Race. The only trouble is you would struggle to find anybody small enough to be the cox."

- Harry Redknapp, somewhat impressed by Arsenal on Saturday.

The unlucky side of ill fortune

There've been plenty of peculiar injuries suffered by footballers over the years, not least when Dave Beasant dropped a jar of salad cream on his foot, Milan Rapaic poked himself in the eye with a boarding pass, Darren Barnard slipped in a puddle of his puppy's wee (the resulting knee ligament damage kept him out for five months), Robbie Keane damaged his knee cartilage while stretching to pick up a remote control and the former Bohemians player Gareth O'Connor (now Bournemouth) hurt his foot while dismantling his girlfriend's bunk bed.

UEFA.com gave us two more for our collection last week: Hertha Berlin's substitute goalkeeper Gabor Kiraly ran on to the pitch to celebrate a goal "only to land awkwardly and sustain an injury to his right calf that will sideline him for two months".

Then there was the Fenerbahce goalkeeper Volkan Demirel who threw his jersey to the crowd, after beating Galatasaray, and dislocated his shoulder in the process.

Offensive Pele

Poor old Pele, there was always a fair chance he'd offend someone when he drew up that list of 125 greatest living footballers, but you'd have imagined that he'd at least avoid incensing his fellow countrymen.

"This is a joke to have to hear this," said the excluded Gerson, as he tore up the list on Brazilian television. No Gerson then, but El Hadji Diouf made it in.

No Jairzinho, but there's room for Clarence Seedorf. No Tostao, but Hong Myung-Bo is included. "Pele has the right to choose whoever he wants but it's absurd to leave out team mates who carried him on their backs," said Gerson, a comment that had an "ouch" quality to it.

More quotes of the week

"A turtle can't go forward unless it sticks its neck out. It's time for us to stick our necks out and go forward."

- Alan Pardew attempts to inspire his West Ham players, but probably just left them saying "you what?".

"They were the worst club I ever played for."

- Another fond reflection: this time David Ginola remembers life at Spurs.

"I told him to his face: 'you are the most over-rated player I have ever seen'. He didn't reply."

- Ruud Gullit on how he attempted to raise Alan Shearer's morale during his time as Newcastle manager.

"I couldn't believe it when the supporters were chanting my name after the Chelsea game. I appreciated that so much, even if I didn't recognise the pronunciation at first."

- Jose Reyes, on the Highbury crowd's struggles to get to grips with Spanish.

The questions keep coming

Last week: "For as long as I can remember, there have been more questions than answers after a game - against Bolton there were more answers than questions." (Kevin Keegan). This week: "There are more questions than answers being asked at the moment." (Stan Collymore). So many questions, just not enough answers.

Ailton's mind is ever changing

Werder Bremen's Brazilian striker Ailton is, it would seem, in three minds . . . "A World Cup would be a dream come true, if Rudi Voeller rings I'll just ask where and when." On his desire to play for Germany in the 2006 World Cup (last December) . . . "It has not just crossed my mind - it is on my mind every day." On his desire to play for Brazil (last month) . . . "I'll look at the offer and make a decision next week." On the possibility of playing for Qatar (last week).

Dangers of jumping the gun

We expressed our concern six weeks ago about Hans Robben, father of PSV Eindhoven's Arjen, announcing that "over my dead body will my son go to Chelsea". And, of course, Arjen signed for Chelsea last week. Then there was Plymouth chairman Paul Stapleton's vow that manager Paul Sturrock would not be leaving. "Rest assured, health permitting, Paul will be in our dugout on Saturday," he said.

Who was in the dugout on Saturday? Kevin Summerfield, Plymouth's caretaker manager following Sturrock's departure for Southampton.

The moral of the story? Keep your whist men, keep your whist.