A fortnight ago we told you about Sky Sports presenter Rob McCaffrey asking pundits Steve Claridge and Tony Cottee to subtract 80 + 18 from 100 - their answer was "one". Here we go again (with thanks to Football 365 reader Simon Collins). Jon Champion: "The interesting fact is that of Arsenal's last 56 goals, Thierry Henry has only scored 12 of them." Ron Atkinson: "Yeah, but he created the other 40."

Driving home the point

Not since an English boxer's mother climbed into the ring to attack her son's opponent with her stiletto heels has a woman so spectacularly intervened on behalf of the sporty man in her life. A recent Dundee Sunday Welfare League game between Kirkton and Drumvale was abandoned by the referee when it developed into a "running battle". But the girlfriend of one of the Kirkton players, upset by the treatment he was receiving on the pitch, decided sterner action was called for. So, she leapt into her car and "drove at high speed onto the pitch, scattering Drumvale players and supporters".

"She had a really mad look in her eyes when she drove towards us," said a Drumvale spokesman, who's still running. Our old friend Tam Cowan was at it again in the Daily Record: "Was she really trying to attack some of her boyfriend's opponents or simply attempting to park?" Tam? Behave.

Quotes of the week

"Arsenal are catchable. It is much too early to say that the championship is decided."

- Louis Saha, the joker in the Manchester United dressing-room.

"Nobby is a fine player. I'm not arguing about Nobby Solano, he's a fine player. Aston Villa have bought a fine player, but we have other players in the club who need to play. I hope the public will warm to Darren because he's a fine player."

- Bobby Robson. A fine manager.

"Houllier: 'I'm Going Nowhere'."

- A Yahoo.com headline last week. Liverpool supporters would say: "That's the problem, Gerard, that's the bloody problem."

"He's a joke. We gave him 20 days to get into shape but he's an embarrassment. Defenders could fall asleep in front of him and still nothing would happen."

- Ancona manager Giovanni Galeone on the dynamic threat Mario Jardel isn't posing for opposition defences.

"If you are not looking to kill me I will not look to kill you. I do not want to tackle like a crazy man but if some player acts like he is fighting . . . you have to do something. If someone wants to give me a kick I will show him I am not his woman."

- Arsenal's Kolo Toure has, evidently, been taking advice from Martin Keown.

Searching questions

An extract from an interview conducted by, eh, Norwegian comedy duo Aleksander and Kristopher Schau with Alan Shearer last week.

Schaus: "What music do you listen to when you are cleaning the blood of a homeless man out of the boot of your car?" Shearer: "What?" Schaus: (repeats question). Shearer: "Pass." Schaus: "What do you do with your ***** after urinating?" Shearer: "Pass." You just can't see Marty Morrissey asking Henry Shefflin the same questions, can you?

More quotes of the week

"At the end of the day we've got a point."

- Bobby Robson, after Newcastle drew their UEFA Cup first leg against Valerenga. Bobby?

"I should have stopped it even without my two arms and two legs."

- Bayern Munich's Oliver Kahn after letting that Roberto Carlos free kick slip under him last week.

"Whoever knows me realises that I will rise above it in the return leg . . . I will win the match in Madrid on my own."

- Kahn, a touch overambitious in his desire to atone for the error.

". . . sometimes people making comments at the end of a game become mental."

- Surely Porto manager Jose Mourinho wasn't talking about Alex Ferguson?

"It looked like we'd picked 11 people off the street and asked them if they fancied a game."

- Steve Bruce, after a certain lack of quality resulted in his Birmingham side going out of the FA Cup.

Hard to frighten

It was nice to see former referee Ahmet Cakar, an outspoken Turkish football commentator these days, surviving an assassination attempt last week, one that he kind of half-encouraged by declaring: "Whoever dares can come and try and take my life. But it's not that easy. He who has the guts to shut me up, he who has the heart, the courage to do this, please let him come. But my flesh is thick. It's not so easy to bite."

Well, his flesh was bitten when he was shot five times at point-blank range. But, having survived the night of November 17th, 1993, he probably felt he could survive anything - Cakar refereed the Northern Ireland v Republic of Ireland World Cup qualifier at Windsor Park. Bearing in mind the atmosphere that night, being shot five times was probably a soothing experience in comparison.

Sour taste

Also on the receiving end of an unimpressed critic last week was Christian Vieri - the restaurant the Inter Milan forward co-owns was fire-bombed following Inter's 3-2 derby defeat to AC Milan. The message left by the attacker read: "Vieri, the tolerance is over, you are not worthy of Inter. You don't deserve the support of our city because you don't care about our suffering and that we are disgraced by you. Now you start to pay." Now you know why Diego Forlan doesn't own a chipper in Manchester.

Even more quotes of the week

"Without any room for doubt Real Madrid is the best team in the world and this season we will demonstrate it by winning every title possible."

- Luis Figo, battling those self-doubts.

"So Gary's going to be writing a book, is he? That's good news for insomniacs everywhere."

- Sheffield United's Neil Warnock looks forward to West Brom manager Gary Megson's publishing debut.

"Every week, for as long as I can remember, there have been more questions than answers after a game - against Bolton there were more answers than questions."

- Kevin Keegan, the John Bowman of English football.

"Ray Parlour will miss both legs due to injury."

- Football 365 was saddened to hear (on ITV) of Parlour's potentially career-threatening injury.

"I've heard a lot of people saying 'he's always injured' or 'he's jinxed'. It hurts when you hear that kind of thing."

- Liverpool's Chris Kirkland injured again, this time by criticism.

Uneasy bedfellows

Most Unfortunate Hotel Booking Of The Season: Celtic's choice of the Glasgow Hilton as their base for the eve of next weekend's Scottish Cup game against Rangers. Problem? The same hotel is hosting a Rangers Supporters Trust dinner, which 300 will attend, on the very same night. On hearing of this potentially tricky clash the hotel management, in all their innocence, said they would ask the Rangers supporters not to roam the hotel in the early hours of the morning for fear of disturbing the players' sleep. Celtic were so convinced this request would be heeded they . . . booked into another hotel.