The Vikings, Cromwell, landlords, Eurovision Song Contest voters, and so on, to this list we now add the right boot of Thomas Ramos – inflictors of unimaginable pain on our nation. “C’est la vie,” Stephen Ferris sighed come the conclusion of that somewhat epic battle in Paris. Ireland, then, had to settle for the Triple Crown.
Mind you, if you regard that as a measly prize, you need to catch yourself on.
BBC: “It’s a win for Wales! How does that sound?”
Aaron Wainwright: “Incredible!”
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BBC: “It is another wooden spoon, but do you allow yourselves to celebrate tonight?”
Aaron: “Yeah.”
See? Wales win their first Six Nations game since roughly 1862 and they party like they’ve won the World Cup. Our lads win the Triple Crown and a fair chunk of our rugby-loving folk go “meh”.
Not, to be honest, that anyone held out too much hope of England doing us a favour. “No chance whatsoever,” said Rob Kearney of their prospects in Paris, although Shane Horgan reckoned that because this Six Nations had, frankly, been bonkers, he wouldn’t rule anything out. “I don’t think I could have felt more of an eejit with my predictions,” he said.
First, though, Ireland had their own business to attend to, Gregor Townsend’s men arriving in Dublin on board cloud nine after that win over the French.
“What’s your problem with Scotland,” Joe Molloy asked Peter O’Mahony. “I don’t have any ... well, I’m not going to say I don’t have a problem with Scotland,” he replied, deciding that honesty was the best policy. “He has a serious problem with Scotland,” Conor Murray confirmed.
Would Ireland have a problem with Scotland? The panel wasn’t too sure, it largely depending on which Scotland turned up, but they were hoping they’d be similar to the Scotland that lost the previous 11 encounters between the teams.
They weren’t. They were rather good, but not good enough to deny our crew their fourth Triple Crown in five years. Let that sink in and stop your mitherin’.
And perhaps as a show of support for England, the stadium DJ played Sweet Caroline to salute Ireland’s triumph, which would be akin to England playing the Fields of Athenry at Twickenham.
“Will you be supporting England,” Joe asked Josh van der Flier after Ireland’s win to take the championship lead ahead of kick-off at the Stade de France. “It’ll be strange, but I have to, I guess,” he said, Stephen Ferris going several steps further over on RTÉ by actually donning an England jersey in the studio. Simon Zebo couldn’t bring himself to go that far, tossing away the shirt Jacqui Hurley chucked at him like it was a hot potato.
Anthems time. A lusty rendition of God Save the King, and that was just in the livingrooms of Ireland, La Marseillaise as majestic as ever.
Off we went. A French try after seven minutes. A procession towards the title? Well, if you’d gone out for some fresh air and returned 20ish minutes later, you’d have heard Nick Mullins on ITV declare: “As it stands, we will be crowning Ireland champions!”
Granted, this Six Nations has indeed been bonkers, but this was taking it to an entirely new level. France throttle Ireland, Ireland throttle England, England throttle France? True, it was a little early to be making that prediction, but when they went over for their third try, Nick was as bamboozled as ourselves. “What is going on? Is this England we’re watching? Even St George draws a breath and says ‘goodness me’.” You’d guess St George would have used stronger language.
“Where has this England been,” said Mark Pougatch at half-time, echoing Nick’s discombobulation, his panel having no clue. They were equally flummoxed back on RTÉ, jaws resting on the floor.
Second half. And it quickly turned in to something akin to one of those Sevens game where you get a try a minute. Bernard Jackman couldn’t believe what he was seeing. “It’s a pity this Six Nations has to end.”
Four minutes to go and Tommy Freeman scores England’s seventh try (seventh!!), Marcus Smith converts and they’re 46-45 up. By now, you’d even forgive them for Cromwell. “No penalties England, no penalties,” Bernard, on his seventh Novena, pleaded. And then: “Oh. My. God.” Yes, mon Dieu, penalty to France. “This is just, this is just ... I can’t believe it,” Hugh Cahill panted.
As we speak, they are probably replacing the Arc de Triomphe with a monument to the right boot of Thomas Ramos, having awarded him the Ordre national de la Légion d’honneur for his act of bravery.
“England are in absolute bits,” said Bernard. No more than ourselves. A suitably gobsmacking conclusion to a gobsmacking tournament.
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