Dust off the invasion klaxon. They’re coming. Thousands of them. Anglophiles we most certainly are not. Anglophobes, well, we used to be and will become so again on Sunday.
Being embedded in Surrey makes it harder still. Thursday. Heathrow. Up to the British Airways counter with two bags and a change of clothes flung over the shoulder.
Can I get on the earlier flight to Dublin?
Aisle or window?
Eh, Aisle.
Any bags to check in?
Nope.
There’s your ticket. Skip the queue sir so you can make the gate.
Visa or Mastercard required to repeat same conversation at Ryanair desk.
Stereotypes die hard. The loopy neighbours in the one-time gatehouse are throwing their biannual party to rival any festival mustered across the grasses of Ireland’s landed gentry this summer.
Those from the manor house approach forewarned, certainly forearmed.
Andy Farrell was among the persecuted at Croke Park in 2007
. "If you look back at that game in Croke Park, Ireland just hit the ground running and played like we all knew that they would . . . but that's what Munster have done for absolutely years."
Having spent a few days snooping around Pennyhill Park just outside Bagshot, in the idyllic Surrey countryside, one arrives home with some certainties.
For starters, the splendour of their confines dwarfs Ireland’s HQ in Carton House (a parting English gift). Watching them at work, seeing their centre of excellence, the wonder is how we ever compete.
The English remain an empire of sport. Their resources seem limitless, generated by old money, their numbers, 167,000 adult male players to Ireland’s 25,000, should only permit the occasional upset.
There are, of course, variables like Carlow farmer Sean O'Brien. But they have James Haskell. A beast of a man, Haskell was heir apparent to Lawrence Dallaglio's throne but got lost in the banter-ton that was England's messy 2011 World Cup jaunt. He took the scenic route home via Japan and the Otago Highlanders, and like Danny Cipriani did not fit the new regime, the Stuart Lancaster mould of player.
Red rose
And yet both travel to Dublin. Injuries to Owen Farrell and Tom Wood reopened the door. Party boys no more, Haskell (club captain at Wasps) and Cipriani changed due to a great desire to serve the red rose again.
“What’s important for me is playing for the white shirt one last time – that has to be my attitude,” said the reborn flanker.
Haskell’s a known quantity. Others have thrived under the careful, honest guidance of Lancaster – England’s rugby Buddha. George Kruis anyone? Munster know him. Saracens meat preferred to Courtney Lawes and Geoff Parling. Tom Wood can’t shift 36-year-old Nick Easter off the bench.
“We feel like we have enough enforcers in the side to make a stamp on the game,” said Farrell. “We’re fine as far as aggression is concerned, you don’t have to worry about that.”
He also means the Vunipola brothers and Joe Marler. And Dylan Hartley.
The depth is intimidating. Manu Tuilagi is recuperating again. No problem, Jonathan Joseph has already torn up the Welsh and Italian midfields. Out goes one League legend’s son through injury, to be replaced by another as George Ford makes a compelling argument to keep Farrell at bay when he returns.
Alas, we have many things in common with England. Same language. Don't look dissimilar. Never ending musical gifts from Kate Bush to Joe Strummer to Jon Hopkins. Small differences prevail. A pint is not a pint. Bitter or Guinness. We have hot presses, they have airing cupboards. Our runners, their trainers. Banter, craic. Same, but different.
We all take the piss.
What's not so funny is Ireland haven't beaten England since the 2011 Six Nations. "Five in a row," said Trevor Hogan on Newstalk. "That just can't happen."
He’s from Tipp so he should know.
Trade secrets
At least we have trade secrets: our national games the English know nothing about. Go into the air with Rob Kearney and he’ll explain. We have them here. They’ll rue the day they encountered Patrickswell’s fourth finest son (behind Richie Bennis, Ciarán Carey and Gary Kirby) after Conor Murray’s punishing box kicking. All 30 yards and 3.5 second hang time of them.
That is until rugby correspondent Owen Slot wrote a piece in The Times on Wednesday. There was Kieran Donaghy leaping over a poor unfortunate Mayo defender as the Gaelic football past lives of Bowe and Kearney, along with Simon Zebo's hurling roots in Cork city, were traced.
The greatest Irish try of all time (and only partly because it was scored against England?) – Shane Horgan’s high fielding at Croke Park of course.
“The reason why they kick the ball a lot is to manipulate you, to get the ball back on their terms,” Farrell countered some more. We should have known; a northern Englishman named Farrell. He’s probably of Meath stock.
“Well, with the Gaelic football background Tommy Bowe is exceptional in the air. So is Kearney, exceptional. They try a few different tactics where Rob chases box kicks from wings just because he is so good in the air. We have to put pressure on their kicking game. The key thing is catching it! We’ve been practising.”
Maybe the jig is up.
The only straw of comfort brought back from Pennyhill Park is no one mentioned Robbie Henshaw. Well, not by name.
“We know all about them,” Farrell added of the centre pairing. “And the threats they can pose.”
Maybe, just maybe, their arrogance, if still in existence beneath the veil of modesty, will prove their downfall. We waited patiently, ears cocked, for a mere hint of this famed weakness.
From hundreds of positive questions, all I choose to remember was a sneering question about Ireland being ranked third in the world: "I mean it's a very high position [Graham Rowntree attempts to interject], the highest they've ever achieved, what do you make of that?"
“I’m not surprised by their ranking,” said Rowntree. “Well coached team. Very experienced. Full of warriors. I mean, I’ve worked with them. Don’t start me on O’Connell...”
Dammit. The Lions tour. Every angle covered.
Then we heard it. Unmistakable sniggers after a question about Devin Toner’s height. They are attacking Our Dev! They wouldn’t have known what to do with Dev if he towered over their rucks for a decade. We did. We waited patiently for his girth to expand. And look at him now.
Stayed silent
“Very good lineout defender,” said Rowntree.
They know way too much. Too many beatings. Seven from eight between 2004 and 2011, a losing streak that hurt to their very core.
“Ireland have always had an aura,” Rowntree added. “They can always turn up the intensity. I’ve been over there so many times; I remember that potential Grand Slam game for us in 2011 when they beat us well; the way they just turned up the heat on us that day. They always have that to go to as a nation.
“But I think under Joe, he’s obviously a great coach, they are very clever with their set plays. They caught us out last year at Twickenham. Very clever team.”
Strangely they arrive the embittered lot. Last year England players stood staring into the void in a Rome lobby at the very moment Ireland clinched the championship.
“The worst thing about that was to see something like that happen was to be photographed doing it and it being put across every paper. That was tough to take,” said England captain Chris Robshaw.
There’s fewer reasons to quibble nowadays, same language, shared history, but wouldn’t it be terrible if the hatred wasn’t allowed fester for 80 minutes each Spring?
Just for one day.
