Valentine's Day is upon us, and in the name of anxiety-inducing attempts at finding true love, there might be no better place to begin than with the app that the Huffington Post once called "cocaine for the mind."
Welcome to Tinder!
When the Tinder app opens, the user is prompted to set up a profile. This may be the most important step of the entire process: how do you present yourself in an engaging way to an audience that will judge you in five seconds or less? Is anyone that interesting?
If the answer is no, then delete the app and try something else.
If you decide to give it a shot anyway, then you get to pass a little judgement of your own.
Swiping right on a person means that they are now ‘liked’ by you. But of course, they also need to swipe right on you in order to get that coveted notification that you now have a match.
Swiping left means that person is now removed from the pool of applicants lining up to be judged by your righteous thumbs while you lie in your bed hungover.
If there is anything that can quell the anxiety induced by the impending arbitration of a stranger, it is causing anxiety in other strangers.
Weeks later, when the Tinder gods have granted you a match and you have picked yourself up from the fetal position, you now get to chat with your potential soulmate. Write down the number of your local wedding planner-you will need it soon.
Try to start with something casual, like asking about one of their pictures in which they asked their friend to take a candid while hiking in order to look whimsical and adventurous.
Whatever tactic you use, do not overthink it. You can be sure that this match is based on science and mutual attraction. Tinder engineers would not mess up something this important.
Eventually, the conversation will likely drift towards the inevitable question: “What are you looking for on Tinder?”
After of hours of philosophical thought, your match will respond with the harrowing, “idk. you?”
Maybe you’ll put the phone down for moment or let your thumbs dance above your keyboard while you ponder this profound question. You’ll respond in a few minutes with a similar answer.
After you repeat this cycle multiple times, you will begin what experts call the cleansing process. Against all odds, you will stop checking the app every day. Maybe you will meet someone in a real social setting, but refrain from something so ambitious until you feel ready.
Weeks later, you will swipe to the last page of your phone and see the app with its Tinder flame still glowing like a beacon of shame. You will delete it and finally breathe a sigh of relief. You are free.
Months later, when you are sitting with your friends and having pre-drinks, they will convince you to download the app again because it is just so much fun!
Welcome back to Tinder!
