Dear Roe,
I’m gay and have been seeing a man off and on for three years. We go through phases of being really great, then we fight and break up, eventually start sleeping together, then get back together – only to repeat. He usually initiates the break-ups, either because he feels “trapped” or because we fight and he always escalates to a break-up – but he’s usually the one to initiate hooking up or trying again. I love him but I’m exhausted by the drama and want to just enjoy our relationship. How do I make him realise that this cycle isn’t good for us?
I’m generally not a fan of “how do I make them” questions, but sure, I’ll indulge just this once. How do you make this man realise this cycle isn’t good for either of you? By example. You recognise that you are pushing this merry-go-round right along with him, and you get off it.
Your entire question is about what your sometimes-ex-boyfriend does – his emotional reactions, his escalations, his reconciliations. I understand why it seems like he’s the one driving the drama, and I could spend the length of my response trying to analyse his behaviour. But by the end of that, you wouldn’t be any closer to what you want, because even if we both crafted the most astute, insightful explanation for his behaviour, you still wouldn’t be able to make him change if he doesn’t want to. Because you can’t “make” anyone do anything. What you can do is change your role in this dynamic. And that starts with acknowledging and taking responsibility for the role you are playing in this drama.
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You can’t make him do anything. But you can take responsibility for your role in this relationship dynamic
Here is your current version of events: He escalates fights, he breaks up, he calls or texts you, he sleeps with you, he asks you to get back together, he starts fights – remix, repeat. But what’s missing in this narrative is what you are doing. You participate in arguments, you stay as they escalate, you answer his calls and texts, you sleep with him, you get back together with him. He is repeating this cycle because you are also repeating this cycle, and letting him treat you the same way, over and over again.
I can’t make this man do anything. You can’t make him do anything. But you can take responsibility for your role in this relationship dynamic, and instead of casting him as the only one with agency, start consciously recognising your own choices. Why are you picking up his calls or going to his house or inviting him over when you know that you’re going to end up sleeping together? Or why are you getting back together with him without seeing any evidence that the relationship will be different this time? What if you literally said what you were doing out loud? “I am taking him back even though nothing has changed, but still hoping it will be different.” It sounds foolish, doesn’t it? Because it is. Except you are now so comfortable blaming him for everything, seeing him as the only actor, that you’re not thinking about your own actions this consciously – and you need to start.
You have two options. You can either end this cycle by not taking him back, accepting that you are not good for each other, and would be happier and healthier apart – reminding yourself that being happy doesn’t mean having brief glimpses of joy with him in between bouts of fighting and toxicity and anxiety. You could walk away from this relationship, acknowledging that while you both have some great qualities as individuals, this relationship is not letting either of you grow or flourish, and is instead keeping you both stagnant. You can part without blame, acknowledging that this simply isn’t a good fit, and you need space away from each other to heal and move on.
Or you can try to come back together one more time – but mindfully. Firstly, take some time to yourself and ask what kind of relationship you want, how you feel with his man – again, not just the highlights, but overall: do you feel safe, respected, trusted, secure, loved, appreciated, valued, free to grow and flourish? Or do you feel anxious, uneasy, unsafe, disrespected, devalued, like you are constantly shrinking yourself down? Ask yourself what about this relationship is good for you? Ask yourself why you want to go back – because it is a healthy relationship, because you’re holding on to a fantasy of it one day becoming a good relationship, or because you want to be in any relationship and this man is there?
If you have thought about all these questions and still want to try to get back with this man again, then have a conversation (or series of conversations), but keep your boundaries up. Stop sleeping together – not because sleeping with an ex is inherently wrong or unhealthy, but because if you two have sexual chemistry it’s likely to cloud your judgment and make you gloss over reality and want to overlook some harsher realities.
Sit down as exes and have a serious conversation about your relationship, asking questions about how the relationship has been in the past, what you want it to look like in the future and, most importantly, what actions you are both willing to take in order to make that change possible. Ask both of you what you feel are the reasons your relationship hasn’t worked in the past – and, vitally, what is different now. If you don’t have a good answer to this question, stop now and part ways. There has to be a shift.
You both deserve a relationship that lets you feel secure and valued and safe, and lets you both grow. Be kind enough to let each other go if you can’t have that together
Ask each other to explain your existing patterns in this relationship and others, and to explain how you are going to remain conscious of them and work to change them. Are either of you going to therapy? Can you start exploring some mindfulness or researching communication techniques? How are you going to approach conflict differently? How will your ex commit to learning to communicate through conflict during fights so he doesn’t jump to a break-up? What has changed regarding his feelings around being “trapped” in the relationship? What boundaries need to be set strongly and clearly this time? What are the ways in which respect and trust have been eroded, and how will you rebuild these things together, differently, more solidly?
If you can’t get through these conversations, if you can’t come up with answers that feel honest and sustainable, or if you restart this relationship only for it to feel like nothing has changed, walk away. This man could be incredibly magnetic and wonderful and have many great qualities – and he can still not be the person for you. You both deserve a relationship that lets you feel secure and valued and safe, and lets you both grow. Be kind enough to let each other go if you can’t have that together.
But, most importantly, stop pretending you are a passive player in your own life. You are making choices and taking actions every day. Start thinking consciously about them, and make sure they’re good for you.