Dear Roe,
I’m in a friends-with-benefits relationship with someone’s boyfriend. I knew he had a girlfriend before we got into this relationship. I was a virgin then and he took my virginity. I’ve developed feelings for him, though he has stated clearly through words and actions that he will never fall in love with me. However, he still wants to have sex. I don’t feel comfortable any more because I’m beginning to feel guilty about the fact that he’s someone’s boyfriend, but I just can’t seem to leave him because he hasn’t offended me. I’ve told him several times through text messages that I want to quit, but somehow I end up with him again. It looks like he knows this, so it’s a weapon he’s using against me. What do I do?
I’m fascinated by your assertion that you can’t leave this man because he hasn’t “offended” you. You seem to be under the impression that this man needs to be explicitly insulting you for his behaviour to be offensive. In fact, I would consider a man who is not only cheating on his girlfriend, but who is also continuing to have sex with someone he knows has unreciprocated feelings for him, pretty offensive behaviour. It’s disrespectful and hurtful to his girlfriend, and it’s manipulative and unfair towards you as he knows that he can play on your feelings for him to get sex on demand from you, even though he knows this situation will never be emotionally good for you. This isn’t respectful or caring behaviour, and it’s clear this man isn’t a good “friend”, boyfriend or sexual partner.
You can fully consent to sex or a casual relationship with someone and it can still be wrong for the other person to continue pursuing it — for example, if they are in a monogamous relationship with someone else, or if they know that you are more emotionally invested than they are and likely to get hurt. Sometimes the most kind, respectful and decent thing someone can do is set boundaries when the other person will not. This man’s refusal to set these kinds of boundaries with you speaks to his selfishness — as if that wasn’t already evident from him cheating on his girlfriend.
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But even though this man hasn’t set boundaries where he should have, you are in luck — you can set those boundaries. You can reclaim your power. You can redefine what your sexual and romantic life looks like and make it good for you. You like this man, you had an important sexual experience with him and you are finding it hard to leave him, which is all understandable. But part of becoming a mature and sexually active adult is behaving ethically and responsibly, and looking after your sexual and emotional wellbeing. You must start taking responsibility for your own role in your life and relationships. This means setting boundaries about the type of behaviour you will tolerate from sexual and/or romantic partners, the type of behaviour you will enable and engage in, and the type of person you want to be — and leaving relationships and situations that don’t align with your values.
Sleeping with and dating people will always come with challenges and lessons, and inevitably some pain. But one of the most important things you need to learn early is that liking someone is not reason enough to stay with them. Feelings alone are not enough. There also needs to be safety, respect, care, honesty and pleasure. And none of these things are present in your current situation. You need to internalise this. Your feelings for his man are not reason enough to keep sleeping with him. You can like someone and need to set boundaries. You can like someone and need to leave. You can like someone and still realise that you deserve more, and refuse to settle for less.
I want you to think about your relationship with this man. I’ll bet anything that this situation makes you feel small, used, unworthy and powerless. I’ll bet that you only feel slivers of joy and validation when he is giving you attention — and anxiety, stress, guilt and sadness the rest of the time. This is not what your romantic and sexual life should be. It should feel safe, fun, empowering, equal, enjoyable, like there’s room for growth and exploration — and it should not be coming at the expense of someone else’s relationship. Of course this man is at fault for cheating on his girlfriend and I will never pretend that the blame is shared equally between you, it isn’t — but you do know that you’re also engaging in and enabling behaviour that will cause another person pain. I don’t think you want to be that person. You know first-hand what it is like to have deep feelings for someone who doesn’t extend the same respect and kindness back. Don’t play a part in inflicting that pain on someone else.
Want more for his girlfriend and want more for yourself. Think about what you want, what you value, what makes you feel good and respected — and then stop betraying yourself. Acknowledge that you want a relationship that is fun, caring, respectful, safe and that makes you feel good. This is not wanting too much or being needy; this is an absolute baseline expectation for any kind of relationships. If you want casual sex, find someone else to have sex with who isn’t in a relationship and who will be thoughtful and respectful around emotions and boundaries. If you want a committed relationship, start dating and find someone who is emotionally available and start that journey with them.
Set the tone for the rest of your sexual and romantic encounters now. Decide what you value, what you deserve, and who you want to be — and walk away from people and situations that ask you to betray yourself. Feel the hurt and pain of walking away from someone you like but who isn’t good for you and recognise this pain as growth, maturity and self-empowerment. You are strong enough to withstand the pain. You are mature enough to know that you can and need to set boundaries in your relationships. You are brave enough to hope for something better. And you’re empowered enough to know that you deserve it.