Dear Roe,
I’ve been with my husband for seven years, married for four. I was let go from my job at the start of Covid which was really hard for me. It wasn’t a great job but my esteem wasn’t high anyway, and without it I felt really useless and lost. My husband supported me emotionally and was contributing more financially. I was pretty depressed and started looking for something to do. I started playing around with a hobby I did when I was younger.
About a year into Covid I started posting some stuff I was doing online, and got some lovely responses. I did some commission work for friends who were supportive, did an online course to up my skills, and started selling more pieces. I now have steady stream of orders. It feels a bit unreal and I can’t really believe it but it’s been so good for my esteem. I don’t have to go back to my old job, I get to do something I enjoy, and I feel I’ve found a path for myself that is fun and rewarding and makes money. It’s been such a confidence boost and has made me feel braver generally. Since restrictions lifted I feel much more confident about socialising than I ever did, and have made new friends who do the same thing I do, some who run their own small businesses.
Everything should be perfect but my husband is reacting badly. He keeps asking me do I not want to get a proper job and keep this as a hobby. He complains about me going out more and doesn’t want to meet my new friends. He’s started making comments about my “attitude” and how I’ve changed. He seems irritated with me all the time and we’re fighting over nothing and not having sex. I don’t understand what’s happening.
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Yikes. I’m going to give some “maybe there’s more to the story” caveats to begin, but I’ll be honest: I hate this situation already.
It’s clear that you and your husband need to have some serious conversations, but you can enter these conversations with a strong sense of self, a clear idea of what you will and will not tolerate within your marriage, and some curiosity about what is going on for your husband. If we are being generous, it is possible that there is more going on than your husband simply resenting your success and remaining open to these possibilities will help you start the conversation from an open space, and might encourage him to open up if there are some deeper things going on.
Even if he is resentful, he could be coming from a place that he could begin to work through – after apologising for this behaviour, of course. For example, it could be that he is struggling to find his own purpose while working in his job and is feeling envious of how you rediscovered your passion. He could be struggling socially since Covid, which a lot of people are. He could be feeling burnt out or suffering from some mental health stress with the combination of Covid and working or some other factors, which again, is common. He could be feeling left behind by the huge transformation that you’ve made in your life and feeling insecure. He could be intimidated by the brave choices you have made and how much you have grown and transformed in the past couple of years and not know how to cope with that.
Now, let me be unequivocal: absolutely none of that excuses his behaviour, his comments or his attitude towards you. None of it. But if he is aware of why he is acting this way and is open to adjusting his behaviour and exploring his underlying feelings, it has the potential to be a wonderfully transformative moment in your relationship. What is happening right now is something that happens in all long-term relationships, though yours is happening very explicitly and obviously while for some, it’s far more subtle. You have changed and grown, and your relationship (and partner) is now facing a choice: can it grow and change and grow with you, or will it fight to keep you smaller and hold you back in order to stay comfortable?
We tend to think of long-term relationships as a monolith, one relationship that just extends on over time. But what is more true to reality is that long-term relationships are a series of different relationships with the same person, and in order for a relationship to survive and thrive through these transitions, it’s vital that couples both acknowledge the ways in which they and their relationship are shifting, and to commit to loving and supporting each other through those shifts – even if this means challenging their own ideas of themselves, their partner, and how they relate to each other.
There’s a difference between loving someone as much as you ever have, and loving someone the same way you always did. The former is a type of love that leaves room for growth and transformation, whereas the latter can be a love that is conditional on individuals remaining the same over time – which very few of us do, and nobody should be demanded to.
We tend to think of long-term relationships as a monolith, one relationship that just extends on over time. But what is more true to reality is that long-term relationships are a series of different relationships with the same person
If your husband is open to exploring his own feelings around how you have changed and grown, he could grow right along with you. He could acknowledge whatever feelings of insecurity or envy or whatever is going on for him and try to address them himself, exploring what his feelings are telling him instead of simply taking his feelings out on you. If he is seeking fulfilment or passion, could he be galvanised by your success to seek out a more fulfilling career or hobby for himself? If he is feeling isolated or left behind, is he willing to be vulnerable and admit that to you, and commit to connecting with you? If he is feeling unsteady because of the shift in dynamic from him being the provider and supporting you, is he brave enough and strong enough to enter this new phase of your relationship, where the dynamic is different? Is he secure enough in himself to love you and himself when you, or both of you, are thriving?
These of course are mere speculations – there could be other reasons that your husband is behaving the way that he is, that only he knows and that he will hopefully share with you. But it is important for you to know that sometimes, people will try hold you to an old version of yourself that no longer serves you, simply because it keeps them comfortable. Do not settle for that treatment.
This is a transformation moment in your relationship, and you and your husband face a choice
Be very clear with both yourself and your husband that you want a relationship that not only allows but supports and encourages each other’s growth and evolution. Tell him that you’re willing to work through this shift and talk about what that means (supporting him as he explores a passion? Including him more in your work and social life?) but be firm that that he has to take responsibility for his feelings and commit to working through them in ways that do not punish or belittle you. A couple’s counsellor may help you both navigate this shift if you want, or maybe he could consider seeing an individual therapist to address what’s going on for him.
This is a transformation moment in your relationship, and you and your husband face a choice. Do you grow together, do you stagnate, or do you choose to grow apart? Good luck.