Dear Roe,
Is there any chance the guy I’m casually dating can become more? I met a guy through online dating six months ago, and he has already called things off twice. The first time it was early days and when I asked why he literally could not give me answer. I was shocked because from my perspective things were going really well. He is the first person I liked since breaking up with my ex. He then asked to see me again and I agreed because I felt we had something.
A few months later I told him I had feelings for him and he said he didn’t want me to leave thinking he did not like me, but also said he thought it was best to stop seeing each other. He insists he isn’t capable of giving enough time or attention to someone else, and I’m pretty sure that is the reason his ex dumped him. I asked him not to contact me again as I knew I would agree to see him, because I like him so much.
Of course, a few weeks later he asks to see me and we start dating again. I asked him eventually if anything had changed and he said no, that he hadn’t even really thought about what we are doing, which I found unbelievable seeing as I had been so clear about my feelings, and thought he respected me enough to leave me alone unless he was open to a possibility of more. Well, we are still seeing each other but none of it is enough for me. Is this a hopeless case? Why would he not let it just be over when he’s the one who doesn’t even like me?
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My darling girl. I understand liking someone but at some point you need to start taking responsibility for your actions and your role in this dynamic. You are calling his behaviour “unbelievable”, asking why he doesn’t “respect me enough to leave me alone” and wondering “why would he not let it just be over” when he doesn’t like you. You’re asking the right questions, but of the wrong person. You need to start asking yourself these questions. Why are you taking back a man whose behaviour is “unbelievable”? Why are you not respecting yourself enough to stay away from him when you know he hasn’t changed and isn’t prepared to treat you better? And why on earth will you not let it be over with a guy who, in your words, doesn’t even like you?
You have given this man so much power that you can’t acknowledge that you are making choices. You have taken on a passive role, believing he has all the power and you have no agency to stay away from or do anything differently. But you are making choices, constantly, choices that are hurting you and disempowering you. Only when you start acknowledging your power and taking responsibility for the choices you make will you ever be able to break out of this cycle.
But you do have to want to break out of this cycle – and wanting that can be harder than we acknowledge. There is something exciting, tantalising and addictive about chasing after unavailable people. There’s an inherent drama to it that can be discussed endlessly with friends. There are physiological effects on the mind and body, as the stress of the situation and withdrawal from the person can make us obsess over them and make it feel literally painful to be apart from them – and then we get intense rushes of hope and thrill and attraction when they pay us even the slightest bit of attention. That cycle can be addictive and exciting – and to stop it, you first need to admit and acknowledge the parts of you that like that aspect of this dynamic, and then you need to decide to value something more important: your sanity, your self-respect, and the treatment you think you deserve from men.
You like this man, but your attraction is based on a fantasy, not the reality. You imagine what it would be like to be in a relationship with him. You imagine how great he would be if he committed to you and was consistent. You imagine how special it would be to have his attention, his time, his affection, his intimacy – for him to think about and care about you the way you think about and care about him.
It’s a lovely thing to imagine. But it is a fantasy that you have committed to so fully that you are ignoring the reality of this man – he is inconsistent, he is selfish, he knows you care about him and is fine toying with your emotions, and most importantly: he has explicitly said that he will not change his behaviour and will not offer you more. He is openly telling you that he will never like you more or treat you better.
[ My boyfriend wants much more sex than I do. Can we make it work?Opens in new window ]
And here is where your own personal responsibility comes in. The instant this guy told you that he wasn’t capable of giving you the time and attention you need, the second he said that nothing had changed, you should have left. You should have looked at this reality, acknowledged that it wasn’t good enough for you, and left. But instead, when you heard that, you retreated into the fantasy realm, thinking “he’ll change his mind eventually” and started imagining how beautiful it would be when he did.
Stop enjoying a fantasy so much that you’re hurting yourself in reality.
I will say this until the day I die: liking someone is not enough. They have to treat you well. They have to be kind, respectful, and as committed to you as you are to them. He’s none of these things. He is also not special just because he’s the first person you have liked since your ex. You liking him isn’t a sign that he’s the right person – it’s a sign that you are slowly healing from your last relationship and have the capacity to like someone. But you need to take that capacity for love and choose someone better for you.
I wonder what about your previous relationship, your self-esteem and your sense of self-worth is making you chase after a man who makes you feel unworthy, desperate, and like you don’t deserve better than this. I wonder what part of you isn’t emotionally ready to be loved, to be wanted, to be in a relationship that is committed, consistent and loving. These are questions that are important to think about, and that a therapist could help you work through.
[ ‘I’ve been with my girlfriend for a year but can’t stop thinking about my ex’Opens in new window ]
But for now, I need you to start thinking very clearly about what you want, the choices you’re making, and what those choices are communicating about yourself. Do you want to be someone who chooses a man who isn’t good to her? Do you want to choose to be disappointed, hurt and devalued? Or do you want to make choices that show yourself and others that you deserve respect and don’t settle for scraps of attention?
Take back your power. Start making choices that are better for you. We both know this guy isn’t it.