Dear Roe,
I met this guy and he took my number. We texted and met two months later. We went out, and unfortunately I gave in and we had sex. Every time we met was sex after a night out with him. And he’d only call me once every two or three months, meet me and have sex. It went on like that until I got feelings for him, it got so crazy and I just want him so bad, but I know we’ll never date. He’s 35 with a kid and claims he’s not married. How do I get over him, without contacting him, and without saying anything that will make him see me as immature? He keeps texting me and I just fall back into the same patterns.
You don’t mention what age you are, but you do say that this man is 35 and that you’re concerned about seeming immature, so I’m going to assume that you’re an adult but younger than him. I need you to know that you do not need to prove to this man that you are mature. His behaviour certainly isn’t mature, and you shouldn’t ever be pretending that you are anything other than you are, particularly when it comes to sex and relationships.
You need to respect where you are emotionally and in terms of experience so that you (and any potential partners) move at a pace that is comfortable for you, and don’t feel under pressure to engage in any emotional, romantic or sexual scenarios that you aren’t ready for. Anyone who respects and cares about you doesn’t need you to pretend to be more mature than you are, they just need to work with you so you can approach new situations, experiences and relationship dynamics in a healthy way – and we both know that this man isn’t doing that.
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You also don’t need to prove anything to this man because he hasn’t proven that he is worthy of you, and isn’t offering you anything that is good for you. He is paying attention to you because when he texts you, you respond to him and have sex with him. That’s it. That’s why he’s not asking you on dates or seeking a relationship with you. He is using you to get what he wants.
I know that’s hard to hear because you think you like him, and I’m sorry for the pain that you’re in. But accepting this will give you the freedom you need right now. This man will never give you the care, respect or relationship you want, which means you no longer have to keep trying to please him. You no longer have to keep acting in a way that makes you feel bad about yourself. You can just be you, and leave, and get the space you need to start to feel better about yourself.
“Unfortunately I gave in and had sex” is a really depressing sentence. It sounds like everything was consensual, but the idea of having sex when you know it’s out of alignment with what you want; when it’s with a person who doesn’t treat you the way you want; and when you are already judging yourself for it is just a really hard emotional space to put yourself in – not just once, but repeatedly.
If you were actually enjoying your casual sexual connection with this person, if you had accepted that they are not emotionally available or looking for a relationship and you were fine with that, and were simply enjoying some physical fun while either continuing to look for someone more suitable to date or remaining happily single, then I’d be happy for you. But the phrase “unfortunately I gave in and had sex” is so telling. You’re acting out of alignment with your values, you know you’re not going to get what you want out of this situation, and you’re leaving these interactions feeling used and disempowered and no closer to getting what you want. That’s why you feel so bad right now.
You need to do three things, and they all involve reclaiming your power and taking responsibility for the choices you are making. Right now, it may feel like this man has all the power in this dynamic, but that’s not true. You are making choices too, and you already know how these choices make you feel bad about yourself.
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First, block him and delete his number. That’s all you need to do. In dating and friends with benefits scenarios, I’m not a fan of ghosting, but you are not dating this man. He texts you once every few months looking for sex. The situation is transactional, you get to just become unavailable for contact. If you really feel the need to send a closing text, write: “Hey just to let you know, I’m not available to see you again. Take care.” But immediately block his number. If you don’t, you’ll get sucked into a conversation, he’ll send a vague expression of disappointment or say one nice thing to you, you’ll melt and you’ll be back at square one again.
Secondly, you need to book yourself in with a therapist or counsellor so that you can explore what low self-esteem or need for validation led you to return to this man, again and again. You have given so much time and energy to a man who didn’t appreciate you and wasn’t treating you like a fully-rounded person – why? Why don’t you think you deserve better treatment than this, and how can you build up your sense of self-worth and ability to set boundaries so that the next time you get involved with someone, you move at a pace that is comfortable for you and only stay with people who treat you well?
Thirdly, I want you to think about what you want from dating or relationships. What qualities do you want the person to have, and how do you want to feel? You went for someone who was selfish, inconsistent, who didn’t value you or make you feel respected or appreciated – but I’m guessing on some level, also made you feel excited and special in small, fleeting, unfulfilling scraps.
Ironically, this man has been emotionally unavailable to you, but by spending so much energy on him, you have become emotionally unavailable to all the other lovely, kind people out there who could have been treating you better. So think about how you can feel excited and special with someone who is also kind, consistent, and respectful, who also makes you feel safe and supported and appreciated. One you get clear on what you want and what you deserve, you’ll stop settling for less.
Walk away from this man. Walk towards what is good for you.