Dear Roe,
Two and a half years ago I met my boyfriend through work. Due to Covid, we mainly communicated via online chats and Zoom, but we soon started texting and calling. We had an intense and intimate connection and started talking every day. He was in a relationship but said he was unhappy and that his girlfriend was possessive and needy, and that their life together was boring. When we started going back into work, we slept together almost immediately. I felt bad and said we couldn’t do that again while he was with his girlfriend. He said he couldn’t leave her as she was depressed and he didn’t want to hurt her more and needed to wait until she was doing better to end the relationship. We didn’t sleep together again but continued talking and spending time together whenever we could, and kissed a few times. He told me he was falling for me.
Finally last year he ended his relationship with her and we got together. It was complicated at the start as his ex was angry that he had moved on so fast, but we finally started acting like a couple. He treated me like a princess for months and we were so happy. But the past month or two we have been fighting, mainly because he has been distant and I don’t know why, which has made me anxious. Then I found out that he’s been texting another woman in a very flirty way. He has told me she’s just a friend and that I’m overreacting. I don’t want to end the relationship over some texts, but it just feels wrong and I obviously know his history and am scared that I’m going to end up like his ex. Do I trust him?
I don’t mean to brag but I can hold two truths in my head at once. For example, I think that cheating on a partner is generally a horrendous thing to do and can be incredibly hurtful, destabilising and can cause real emotional damage. I also think that life is long, relationships are complicated and people can be flawed and selfish and make bad decisions while seeking some validation or escape, and cheating in one relationship does not mean that you are an irredeemable person or that you will necessarily cheat in all your relationships.
However, for me, the sign of whether someone who has cheated in the past can be a loyal and trustworthy partner is self-awareness and growth. Is this person aware of why they chose to cheat, rather than ending the relationship? Is this person aware of what it was they were seeking when they became involved with another person – validation, excitement, novelty, whatever – and how are they going to deal when those itches and desires arise in the future? Does this person take responsibility for the choices they made every step of the way when they cheated, from flirting to sharing emotional intimacies to becoming physical, and how are they prepared to set boundaries and commit to honesty and fidelity in the future?
From your description, this guy was a walking red flag from the moment you met him. The irony of calling a woman “possessive” while flirting and cheating with other women would be funny if it wasn’t so manipulative. By describing his girlfriend as “needy”, “possessive” and “boring”, this guy immediately made you feel like you were in competition with her. You had to be the “Cool Girl” – you had to have no needs; never call him out on his duplicitous behaviour; and be special, shiny and exciting. Because that’s what this guy wants: something shiny. Not a fully rounded human, nor an actual adult relationship, but something new and shiny, all the time.
Do you know how I know that? Because he described life with his long-term girlfriend as “boring”, during a global pandemic when we were all in lockdown. Sir, we were all boring! We could not leave our houses! We all learned how to make banana bread and took photos of the misshapen brown loaves like they were beloved newborns! We all watched Tiger King – literally all of us! Pandemic life was boring. And guess what – long-term relationships can get “boring” too, in that healthy ones lack drama and they have routine and familiarity. The key to long-term relationships isn’t avoiding boredom at all costs, and it’s certainly not about blaming your partner for that boredom, as if you are a spoiled French child-prince and your partner is a court jester whose job it is to keep you constantly entertained. Long-term relationships require that you remain curious about your partner and about life; that you value the intimacy and richness of a long-term relationship more than you value constant novelty; and that you are willing to support your partner through periods of difficulty, for example, like a global pandemic.
Don’t get me wrong, some relationships end and that’s fine. Your boyfriend and his ex were obviously not destined to remain together. But his declarations to you, a person he was attracted to, that she was “boring” and “possessive” was petty, disrespectful and suspect, implying that he didn’t have the maturity or decency to either speak respectfully about his partner or end a relationship he wasn’t happy with. He then started flirting, texting and ultimately sleeping with you while he was still in a relationship, because this guy wanted novelty and excitement and escapism and he valued that more than he valued being a loyal partner.
Again, it was a pandemic, things were difficult, and maybe that was a one-off decision from him in a very specific situation. But did he ever address his behaviour? Did he ever talk about his need for novelty or how he would behave differently if he started getting bored in a relationship? Has he addressed how he broke boundaries in his initial flirting and emotional intimacies with you, and have you discuss how to maintain boundaries with other people in the future? Does he speak respectfully and with regret about the woman he cheated on, or does he continue to avoid responsibility by claiming she was “possessive” when he was indeed cheating? And how is his current behaviour – flirting with another woman then telling you that you are overreacting – different from how he treated his ex when he was flirting with you?
You knew this man for a year when he was cheating on his ex. You have been with him for a year and he is flirting with someone else. My suspicion is that this man doesn’t want a real, honest, faithful relationship. He wants something shiny and exciting and new, constantly, and will go looking for it the second a new relationship starts getting serious.
If you really want to stay with him, you need to have honest conversations about boundaries, fidelity and the state of your relationship. A couples counsellor will help (and his openness to going to someone could be telling). But your relationship has a lack of trust, he is pulling away from you, and you feel like he is being inappropriate with other women. Is this the relationship you were hoping for when you were having your intimate talks? Or is this actually much less than you deserve? And is a man who repeatedly disrespects his relationships, blames his partners and makes you feel confused, anxious and unworthy, actually quite boring himself?