Dear Roe,
My fiancé and I have been together for four years and are getting married next year. He bought a house near his parents a couple of years ago and after slowly renovating it, we finally moved in earlier this year. He was living with them for a while as he did up the house and then, naturally, started spending a lot of time in my place. I, of course, knew he and his parents were close but ever since we moved into the house, his mother is driving me absolutely crazy.
I work from home and she comes over nearly every day without ever texting or calling first – sometimes just walking straight in the front door. If she calls my fiancé and he doesn’t respond, she’ll text and call me looking for him. She brings over food then insists we eat it together there and then, even if I’m not hungry or trying to work.
The final straw came a couple of weeks ago. It was a Saturday morning and my fiancé and I had been in the kitchen together and started fooling around. We weren’t having full sex but clothes were off and there was some action going on. Then his mother walked straight in the front door. We scrambled and thankfully covered up by the time she got to the kitchen but I was only in skimpy lingerie and we were both a bit flustered so she definitely knew what had just been happening. She threw me a death stare and made a nasty comment about what I looked like and said something like: “Hadn’t you better put some actual clothes on.”
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I was annoyed but also embarrassed and flustered so I just went upstairs, took the longest shower possible and didn’t come back down until she’d gone. My fiancé just laughed it off.
Since then, I’m keeping the front door locked but she still keeps calling over. Now, she makes these constant passive aggressive comments like, “I’ll come in but only if it’s safe,” or “I hope everyone’s dressed.” I like that my fiancé is close with his family but this feels too close. I’m genuinely dreading the idea of living a few minutes away from my mother-in-law for the rest of our lives. What do I do?
[ ‘I love my boyfriend with all my heart but I often think about cheating’Opens in new window ]
You don’t have one problem, you have two. The obvious problem is your future mother-in-law’s lack of boundaries, common decency and her recent foray into slut-shaming. You have another problem, though, and, unfortunately, you’re engaged to him.
You should not have to explain to your fiancé's mother that she can’t drop into your house whenever she likes, walk in the front door without knocking, treat you like his secretary or barge uninvited into the home of two adults then shame and insult you for what she came upon – for weeks, no less. This is a job for your fiancé and the fact that he is not sticking up for you, not taking your feelings seriously and letting you be disrespected and shamed in your own home is completely unacceptable.
There are times, of course, where adults need to sort out their own issues themselves. But in this instance, you are in such a difficult position. This woman is going to be in your life forever. She’s not acting respectfully and if you address this issue forcefully yourself, there’s every chance that she’ll paint you as the villain, making family gatherings a nightmare for years to come. Your fiancé has more leverage with her, which is why he should have stepped up months ago, and needs to do so now.
Your fiancé needs to sit down with his mother and explain three immutable facts. One, she is not allowed to be passive aggressive towards you or attempt to slut-shame you in any way – the nasty comments stop now. Two, the house is not just his house. It is also your home and your workplace and his mother needs to respect that – which means not calling over during the day (you can be specific about what times), not coming over without confirming that you’re available and never, ever, ever walking in the front door without ringing the bell. Three, she can contact him in whatever way he’s comfortable with but if he doesn’t respond and it’s not an absolute emergency, she will do what telecommunication etiquette dictates: leave him one message, if necessary, and wait for him to call back instead of hounding you. Your fiancé can then explain that if she continues to come over unannounced, she’ll be seeing less of both of you.
For this to work, your fiancé needs to genuinely have your back and be ready to enforce these boundaries. That means he needs to be ready to stand up to his mother if she insults or belittles you and if she continues to walk into your home uninvited, to literally ask her to leave and text to set up a time to meet. The enforcement is key: you and your fiancé can’t make his mother stop calling by the house or insulting you but you can let her know in advance what you won’t tolerate, call out her bad behaviour in the moment and give her less access to both of you.
Your fiancé should be taking his mother’s behaviour up with her but that doesn’t mean you can’t set boundaries, too. Keep the front door locked, obviously. Tell her in advance that you’re not available to socialise while working, get a doorbell with a camera and literally don’t open the door to her if she calls over. If she complains, you can tell her you were on a work call and remind her of your work hours. If she does catch you at the front door, simply don’t let her in, saying you’re sorry but you have work to do and can’t take a break right now.
It’s going to feel rude and hard – but remember, you and she are two unrelated adults and there’s an expectation that as adults, you respect people’s privacy, their home space and their work. She is the person breaking that social contract, not you.
[ I’ve been faking my orgasms for years — how do I tell my husband?Opens in new window ]
In the interest of making your relationship with her easier for the years to come, however, you can set boundaries while still being generous and making an effort (as long as the nasty comments stop, of course). When you tell her you’re not available during the week, maybe set up a coffee date with her for an evening or weekend. Occasionally text her and ask can you come around to hers for tea so she does feel like you do want some kind of relationship with her (and leaving her house after 45 minutes will likely be easier than getting her to leave yours). And your fiancé can have regular lunches and dinners at her house so that she doesn’t feel bereft of time with her son. You can join these dinners when you want or let him go alone and enjoy some peace and quiet in your own home.
For your final boundary: no more kitchen sex with your fiancé until he steps up.