Dear Roe,
This is a friendship question and I’m going to be a bit vague in case she recognises me or herself. My friend is getting married and she hasn’t included me in any of the jobs in the wedding, and she didn’t give me a plus-one. I’m really hurt by this. I went through a big break-up last year and so am not officially with anyone right now, but I have been dating someone and hope it becomes more serious.
I think I’d get over not having a plus-one (I’ll know a lot of people at the wedding) but other things are bothering me too. If I was getting married, this person would definitely be one of my bridesmaids, and it’s making me think that I’m not as important to her as she is to me. It’s really making me doubt my friendship with her and now I don’t know if I want to go at all. Some of our mutual friends have told me to say it to her and some have said not to, and I don’t know what to do.
Stop talking about this with mutual friends, immediately. If you have “some” mutuals who are taking your side and “some” who are telling you to drop the issue, you have already spoken to too many mutual friends about this. I understand that your feelings are hurt and you’re allowed to vent – but vent to people outside of this particular social circle. Talk to other friends, a therapist, a family member who isn’t close to her. Talking about this within your shared friend group is going to cause drama, it’s going to get back to your friend, and it’s making the conversations around her upcoming wedding negative and centred on you, instead of positive and centred on the couple.
I know you’re hurt and doubting your friendship but this behaviour will damage your friendship. If you’re going to make any changes to your relationship, you should do it thoughtfully and carefully, not by lashing out and gossiping.
I have some controversial feelings about weddings, which I’m flagging because I know some people may disagree with my advice. I love weddings, I think the ritual of gathering people together so that they can witness a couple committing to each other is a beautiful, hopeful, community-enriching event. I do not love arbitrary and nonsensical standards that couples are put under pressure to adhere to, particularly when weddings can be eye-wateringly expensive.
I hate the idea of couples (in the midst of a housing and cost-of-living crisis, no less) having to pay thousands upon thousands upfront for guests’ meals and drinks only to hope to recoup some of the costs via cash stuffed in cards. If I can throw a birthday party and ask my loved ones to come out to a restaurant and pay their own way because the point isn’t getting a free meal but gathering together to celebrate something, I do not understand why we can’t do this for weddings.
All of this is to say that I feel acutely aware and pretty forgiving of any sacrifices that couples may need to make for weddings, particularly when it impacts budget. I’m also aware that couples often have personal, familial or cultural considerations that may influence their decisions. It may be important that their entire extended family is there, or their parents’ community, which may take precedence over some friends. The couple may have participated in other people’s wedding and are prioritising including those people in the wedding jobs. They may want the ceremony to feel a certain way so are giving jobs to people who are great public speakers or musicians or performers. They may believe it’s not “the more the merrier”, but “the smaller, the more intimate” and so are valuing having fewer people who they both know really well over lots of plus-ones who they don’t know.
I don’t know your friend’s specific reasoning – but I know she has one, and I know she’s dealing with a lot of factors and considerations apart from you. I really need you to think about this, because right now you’re taking one day with a lot of complicated factors and logistics, and assuming that the outcome is purely, solely, uniquely reflective of how your friend feels about you, when that’s not the case.
[ ‘Quiet’ weddings: My ceremony took 20 minutes and afterwards I went back to workOpens in new window ]
Your jump to assuming certain things – such as that your friend’s wedding planning is a reflection on you – and your impulse to push your friend away feels like something worth exploring in yourself. Do you feel valued by this friend generally? Do you enjoy your friendship? Before the wedding plans, would you have described your relationship as positive and enriching? If so, I’d ask why you’re ignoring years of positive data telling you that this person values you and that they’re a positive addition to your life, and are placing so much importance on the choreography of one day to negate all of that?
You write that “it’s making me think that I’m not as important to her as she is to me”, and this feels important. I wonder if you often feel a little bit competitive about friendship or feel the need for your relationships to be externally validated for you to both value them and feel valued?
I’m asking because people who can be anxious or insecure can crave explicit, external reassurance – and if they don’t get it in exactly the way they desire, they not only doubt themselves, but begin to push the people they love away as a form of self-protection. A lot of people do this in romantic relationships as well as friendships. It’s like an anxious gremlin in your head saying, “If you don’t tell me I’m your best friend, then you must not consider me any kind of friend, and that means you’re going to leave me at some stage, so I’ll leave you first.”
It’s a form of emotional control – loving someone feels vulnerable, and not feeling like they love you back just as much feels too vulnerable to bear, so you push them away.
It might be that you had a lot of inconsistent relationships or that you need to work on your self-esteem, but I’d encourage you to observe your feelings, your compulsion to jump to conclusions, and your urge to cut people off when they don’t show their affection exactly how you’d like. This feels like a self-protecting mechanism that isn’t actually protecting you, and is instead shutting you off from people who love you.
You will know a lot of people at the wedding and won’t be alone. She is not snubbing a long-term partner of yours. She has invited you to celebrate a huge moment in her life. She and her partner are asking you and the other guests to go along with their preferences for one day, and to trust that they have made their decisions by considering a lot of factors.
If you can’t do that, don’t go. It really is that simple. Send a nice card saying you’re so excited for them but have a previous commitment.
But I hope you go. Your friend having other people in her life or having particular desires or obligations for her wedding does not diminish how she feels about you, or erase years of her friendship enriching your life. I hope you consider what is important in a friendship, and what kind of friend you want to be, and focus on acting on those values – to this friend, and in your other friendships.