Dear Roe,
My wife and I are in our late sixties, in good health, and still enjoy intimacy. At this stage of our lives we prefer ‘manual’ sex, and fantasy and imagination play a big role in our satisfaction. At this stage we feel that we need some more help with arousal. We have talked about watching some porn online but are afraid to do so in case it might be too graphic and violent or that it would be illegal and we’d have the guards calling to the house. We would like to have access to something erotic and legal. Can you help?
It’s lovely to hear from a couple who are comfortable in what makes them feel good and eager to explore something new, so thank you for this question and the good example for us all!
Let me first put your mind at ease: as long as everyone involved in the production of pornography is over the age of 17 and consenting, there are no laws banning the access or use of pornography in Ireland, so no Gardaí will be breaking your door down because you’re enjoying some age-appropriate sexual content. It is increasingly easy to check that any pornography you are watching has been produced with the consent of everyone involved, as some sites show interviews with the performers and/or links to their social media profiles where they promote their work, so you know that they are not only consenting to being filmed but are getting compensated.
There are porn sites that are ethical in their business and production practices and focus on more erotic content rather than the graphic, often rough and male gaze-centred pornography that is available for free on the internet. But before exploring the world of pornography, I do want to highlight that there are other realms of erotica well worth exploring.
Audio erotica is having a moment, with new apps and websites like Quinn and Dipsea offering a wide range of stories that are female-focused, sexy, well-written and well performed – Quinn’s latest triumph has been hiring Andrew Scott to read one of their historical fantasy erotica series called The Queen’s Guard (and if he ever reads a story in the voice of his Fleabag character, the Hot Priest, the internet may break.) Quinn and Dipsea were founded by women and focus on women as their core audience, understanding that many women were seeing some erotic media that felt different from the violent, misogynistic or unsensual content online that usually caters more for male audiences. But the apps are suitable for all genders, and have a wide range of stories ranging from five to 40 minutes long with differing plots, tones, dynamics and kink interests, and are perfect for people who love some mental rather than visual stimulation. Erotic stories usually come in two formats – third person erotica, where two or more performers act out a scene, or second person erotica, where the performer directly addresses the listener, creating a very intimate experience.
You and your partner could listen alone to discover what you individually like, then bring elements of these fantasies together, or listen together while touching yourselves or each other.
If you’re comfortable doing a bit of performance yourselves, you could also go even more analogue and buy some erotic books or short story collections and read them to each other. This can be such a fun, connecting activity. You might feel silly at first, but being able to laugh and be playful is frankly such an underrated part of sexual connection and eliminating the middleman performer, so to speak, and reading erotica to each other can be a gorgeous way to connect in a new way. You can find short stories online that get to the action quickly, or Literotica is a great site for some sexy erotic fiction and fantasy with a wide range of authors and subject matter – but with thankfully high standards for publication. Or if you want something with more character development, investment and pop culture credentials there are hugely popular book series such as A Crown Of Thorns And Roses by Sarah J Maas which is known fondly by its fans as ‘fairy porn’ and has now been optioned for a TV series. Getting ahead of the curve and reading the books together every night could be a fun way to connect.
If you would prefer some visual stimulation and want to watch porn, there are sites that not only offer a great variety of erotic and sensual content, but uphold values of fair wages, consent, health and protection standards for performers, and celebrate diverse sexuality. This does mean that you will have to pay for it, which is legal and fair when you consider that there are real people and performers who are producing the content that you are enjoying. Perhaps the most well known is Make Love Not Porn, founded by Cindy Gallop, whose 2009 TED talk was on why pornography needed a major overhaul, highlighting how the majority of free porn is hardcore and degrading towards women, and how this warped image of sex was impacting a generation of young men’s idea of sex. Make Love Not Porn is a website that creates and curates videos that are submitted by users and you can get a subscription or pay a once-off fee for videos. The focus of Make Love Not Porn is on realistic and sensual content that avoids the cringe cliches often seen in porn. One feature that’s admirable and should be the norm is that if a user no longer wants their video on the site, Make Love Not Porn removes it, so participants are always in control of their content and viewers can feel comfortable that all performers are fully consenting.
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This is also a practice of Four Chambers, a small pornography production company who have a clear mission statement about how their videos are produced, their consent practices and how performers are paid. On their site, you can see a preview of their films before paying for full-length videos, which are beautifully shot and genuinely artistic. Pink & White productions focus on offering a diverse representation of sex and sexuality, from showing different body types to their Crash Pad series which focuses on queer desire. Indie Porn Revolution is another women-run company committed to showing a diverse range of performers and avoiding stereotypical cliches and roles.
Bright Desire largely but not exclusively focuses on heterosexual cisgender performers, with a more sensual focus than a lot of free pornography, and a lot of videos also feature after-scene unscripted interviews and commentary so that you feel assured that performers are consenting and respected. Bright Desire also features audio erotica and erotic fiction, letting subscribers explore a range of sexual content. Bellesa is another site that offers more than just videos, as this female-focused platform has erotic stories, sex-ed articles and a sex toy shop as well as their erotic videos, which focus on showing women as subjects of pleasure, not objects of conquest.
Lust Cinema is founded by film-maker Erika Lust and the videos on her site are largely made by female directors with a distinctly feminine POV and a focus on intimacy and female pleasure. Finally, if you like your porn to have an educational benefit, Afterglow is a site that not only features a range of pleasure-focused videos, but also has content that shows viewers how to explore and use new techniques, positions, experiences or dynamics so that individuals and couples can feel guided as they explore new things. Enjoy!