Dear Roe,
I’m struggling with my boyfriend’s loss of interest in sex. We’ve been having a tough time for about two years as both of us have suffered from poor mental health due to our living situation (which recently changed) and the demands of our jobs (which are slightly improving). This has taken such a toll on our relationship. I’ve tried a few things over the past few months to try to spice things up, like sending risqué pictures, walking around in lingerie and giving massages. I’ve asked multiple times what his preferences are or whether there’s something he’d like to try. I’ve reminded him several times that there’s no judgment and that I’m willing to try anything.
It all got to me the other night and I just had to know why, unless I initiate and unless I’m all dressed up or wearing make-up with my hair done, he’s not interested. It was hard to hear that he just hasn’t really been interested for about a year because of all the bickering. What got to me more, though, was him saying that it seems like I’ve given up and that I’m not trying hard enough. He suggested that, if something doesn’t work (in terms of sparking his interest), I should try something else. I can’t help but feel that the responsibility to reignite the spark is being completely left to me.
Yes, I’m the one trying to initiate and asking why he’s not interested, and therefore our intimacy matters to me more, but something about it just feels unfair. Surely he’s the one who’s given up? I’m torn between thinking, “fine, if you’re not interested neither am I” and, “let me try these multiple other things to pique his interest”. I’m a bit scared of all the rejection. Ultimately, I know that I need to be patient for our relationship to improve, as we’ve changed living situation and improved our work-life balances, but in the meantime I just don’t know what to do to stop feeling so frustrated (aside from the obvious!).
I can feel your frustration and I know you’re coping with a lot of rejection and feeling alone in your relationship. When you’re trying really hard to create connection, making active efforts, getting no positive response back and are just told to “try something else”, that must feel very hard and lonely, and like you’re the only one fighting to create connection in your relationship.
That’s your side of it, and the frustration you’re feeling is understandable. However, there is another side to this, your partner’s side, which I don’t think you’re fully appreciating either, and that side has a lot of very difficult and valid emotions too. Your partner has explicitly said to you that the past year, with all its stress and difficulty and arguments, has resulted in him not being interested in sex. That is completely understandable. Mental health issues such as depression, stress and anxiety can all have a huge impact on libido and can decimate sex drive.
Relationship issues can damage the sense of connection, affection and emotional safety needed to create and facilitate sexual desire. You say that you both have had issues with your living situation and your jobs, and these issues have affected both your mental health and relationship. It’s therefore completely understandable that your partner has no desire for sex right now. And I wonder, when your partner said to you that he doesn’t desire sex because your relationship has not felt safe or connected or comfortable for a year, why was your instinct to double down on pressuring him to have sex, rather than trying to rebuild the emotional connection and safety in your relationship?
You mightn’t think of what you’ve been doing as pressure, but it absolutely is. Your boyfriend has said he’s not interested in sex, is turning down sex, and instead of respecting that, you’ve been sexualising a lot of interactions – sending risqué photos, the lingerie, bringing up that you’ll “try anything”. These can be really fun things to bring to a relationship if your partner is open and eager and receptive to them. But for a partner who doesn’t want to have sex at all, these are incredibly strong and (it seems, persistent) moves that could feel not only completely disconnected from what’s happening for him emotionally, but absolutely a form of pressure and boundary-pushing.
In our society, we’re often socialised to think that men “should” want sex all the time and therefore all women have to do is offer it. This is a perfect example of how traditional gender roles and toxic masculinity hurt men, asserting that men should always be sexually eager and dominant. This one-dimensional view of men can lead to men themselves feeling unable to assert their boundaries or turn down sexual advances, and can also lead to others undermining their boundaries, consent and their very personhood. I fear this is what you’ve been doing. I understand that in your mind, you’ve been trying to create a sense of connection in your relationship, but your single-minded focus on sex and belief that your boyfriend should be responsive to you is actually completely undermining his boundaries. Continuing to do this is not going to make you feel like a safe and respectful partner, and points to a very big gap in your awareness of him as a fully-rounded individual with feelings and desires of his own.
You’re very focused on who is putting in efforts and who is willing to do something, but actually, you’re both stuck in a pattern right now. If your boyfriend keeps turning down sex, and your response is just to keep offering sex, then it’s time to try something new.
If you want this relationship to survive, you’re going to need to drop the subject of sex and focus on the root cause of your problem, which is a lack of connection, safety, emotional intimacy and understanding in your relationship. You say that both you and your partner have had some positive changes in your jobs and living situation, which is great. But it’s clear that your boyfriend is still either experiencing or processing the stress of the past year, and the arguments and disconnection of your relationship. So start there. Explain to him that you’ve been focusing on sex as an entry point to reconnection but realise that it may have felt pressuring, and apologise. Tell him you’d like to focus on rebuilding the emotional connection and safety in your relationship, and that you want to know how he’s feeling. Ask him how his headspace and mental health is generally, and whether he needs extra support either from you or a doctor or therapist. Ask him how he’s feeling about your relationship. Ask him do you both need to offer any apologies or expressions of gratitude for each other. Ask him what he needs from you to help to rebuild your emotional connection, and ask him what he is willing to do to improve your connection.
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The latter point is important. He does need to want to rebuild your connection, and be active and engaged in the process. This may look like telling you what would make him feel good right now, offering to share responsibility for organising dates, or initiating physical affection (which should just be enjoyed for its own sake right now, and not treated as foreplay). If he’s willing, seeing a couples counsellor might help you talk about where your relationship is right now and give you ways of reconnecting and eventually ways of reconnecting sexually – which again, he will need to be engaged with, but hopefully it will feel more at his pace.
Sex can be really important to a relationship, but it’s the emotions and relationship dynamic underneath that affects everything. Tend to that instead.