Dear Roe,
Over the past three years, I have struggled with a domineering and manipulative mother-in-law. To outsiders, my husband’s family appears perfect, united and happy. However, from my perspective, they operate like a cult, with my mother-in-law as the leader, always having the final say. Their constant griping reveals their envy of anyone who seems happier or more successful than they are. Initially I got along well with my in-laws by staying quiet. Over time I became more selective about attending and participating in family events. This shift did not go down well, and their attitude towards me changed dramatically. My husband and I were suddenly labelled as “sensitive” if we raised any issues. Recently I was belittled by my mother-in-law and sister-in-law. This was the final straw after years of subtle digs and isolation. When my husband raised it with her, she immediately flew into a rage, shouting obscenities at me. She acted like a toddler, throwing herself on the ground and dramatically begging for forgiveness. This is not the first time she has behaved this way. She never admits any wrongdoing and instead gaslights everyone, convincing them that I am the problem and she is the victim. This is compounded by the fact that I am estranged from my own family, and they use this against me, which is cruel given everything I’ve been through. I am unsure how to resolve this situation, which has brought me low and left me shaken. My confidence is shattered. My instinct is to cut ties, but I know this is not realistic long term. My husband is kind, loving, patient and a fantastic father. I want my children to have a relationship with their grandparents, but I can no longer tolerate this behaviour.
I’m really sorry you are experiencing this bullying, isolation and outrageous behaviour, which would be upsetting for anyone, but must hold an extra layer of pain given your estrangement from your own family.
Conflicts and tensions between people and their in-laws are very common, and are so rarely about the individual partner. Rather, tensions arise because the presence of a new person places an implicit demand on family members to grow and change – and some people really resent that demand.
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When a person enters into a serious romantic relationship, they move from the original unit of their family and create a new unit of their relationship – and this move inherently changes people’s roles and relationships. Adult children no longer see their family of origin as their primary focus or source of love, support and shared decision making, but their partner or spouse. Obligations, holidays, free time and so on may now prioritise the needs of the couple, not the family. Decisions are made within the partnership, instead of the parents being the authority figures. Siblings might be forced to see their younger brother or older sister no longer as their childhood rival, lifelong ally or the baby of the family, but a grown adult with a new primary relationship. And the presence of a new partner or spouse can change the dynamics within family gatherings – there’s a new person to observe decades-long dynamics that might be entrenched, but are no longer healthy. There’s a new person with new opinions to listen to, and a different way of doing things.
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All of these changes and transformations put pressure on the family to shift, grow and adapt – and many people are unfortunately not willing to undergo that evolution.
This is what has happened here. When you call the family “cult-like”, you’re on to something. In rigid family hierarchies like this, there is often an unspoken rule: harmony is maintained not by fairness, but by submission. Outsiders (in-laws, new partners) are tolerated so long as they don’t disturb the existing balance. The moment you refused to be managed, the group turned. You were declared to be the troublesome outsider who was infecting your husband with “sensitivities”, and was disrupting the family dynamic.
As you note, your husband’s mother has always been the figure of authority in her children’s lives. This is why she is reacting so extremely when she feels like she doesn’t have the control, decision-making power or influence she once held over her son. This is why she’s targeting you – in her eyes, you have disempowered her, so she’s trying to wrestle back control. She’s treating you like a threat when, actually, her behaviour is posing a threat to you and your husband: “If you keep disrupting my authority over my son, I’ll make your life miserable”, and “If you keep prioritising this woman, you might lose your mother.”
Do I think she’s doing this consciously? No, probably not. People aren’t often that self-aware or reflective about their actions. Does her lack of reflection on her motivations excuse her behaviour? No, of course not, because being nasty to a family member’s partner, throwing tantrums and refusing to cede control over the life of your fully grown adult child is outrageous behaviour on its own.
Here’s the good news: this isn’t actually your problem to solve. This is your husband’s mother, and therefore this is your husband’s responsibility to deal with. I feel for your husband, I really do. His mother has put him in a horrible position, and no one enjoys conflict in their family or feeling torn between loyalties. But he has chosen to enter into a couple with you, and so now he has to protect you and that coupledom. He has to be the one to set very clear boundaries with very clear consequences with his mother and everyone in his family. Putting that responsibility on you will only reinforce the family’s warped idea that you are the problem. He needs to be clear that by disrespecting you, they are disrespecting him, and that he is not going to tolerate that.
He can meet with them individually or collectively, and set the terms: There are to be no more sly digs or comments; no criticism of your shared life and decisions; and tantrums or emotional blackmail will not be tolerated. The consequences for any of this behaviour will be your family get less time, contact and connection with either of you. You two can decide what that looks like: maybe it means you only attend vital family gatherings; you could see certain family members individually; you both could both immediately leave any gatherings where you are disrespected; some family members could be put on low contact until they apologise and demonstrate genuine respect and warmth; and your children will not be around people who disrespect their mother. Your husband needs to take ownership of these boundaries and enforce them, because he is the one the family wants access to, so it will be his withdrawal that has the most impact.
If things get to a steadier, healthier place, hopefully there will be room for you to forge an individual connection with his mother so she sees and respects you as a person, not an amorphous threat. But you can only get to that stage if she’s open to it and willing to behave decently.
I do want you and your husband to prepare yourselves for a difficult outcome. Your mother-in-law may not change. So measure progress by how well you protect your peace, not by whether she behaves better.
You’re not wrong to grieve here. You wanted warmth, respect, perhaps even a second family, and instead you got a system that scapegoats you. But you are also not powerless. By shifting focus from “fixing her” to “fortifying yourself”, you begin to reclaim what she’s been chipping away: your confidence, your steadiness, your freedom to define what kind of life – and family – feels safe to you.
Your children don’t need a “perfect” extended family. They need a parent who models boundaries, self-respect and resilience. And you are already walking that path. Keep going.
