Dear Roe,
I met a girl in March 2024. I was 23 and told her I was planning a big year abroad from April 2025, so had no plans to be in a serious relationship, but we fell seriously in love. Because I was leaving, I kept saying I would break things off, but I couldn’t, but she broke things off because she felt she needed to. Then came July 2025, I returned from abroad after getting really sick. She wanted to get back together (neither of us slept with anyone or did anything else). But I did not know where my head was at. I loved her so much but I was traumatised from my illness so I impulsively went travelling again in September.
Then a couple of weeks into travelling I changed my mind and asked her to be with me. She refused because she had doubts about my commitment. I understood this but promised to prove to her that I could commit. We didn’t agree to be exclusive. We did agree to tell the other person if we started dating someone or slept with anyone. She did exactly that in November and didn’t tell me until I asked in December. It hurt me so much to find out she dated someone for a month, I felt betrayed by her not telling me and sad at the loss of exclusivity.
I think me and this girl have a seriously bright future, and she says she wants to get back together indefinitely, but now I’m struggling to forgive her for not telling me. Can you provide any insights? I recognise fully I made mistakes and I wish I could take them back.
I think you need to forgive both this girl and yourself. You’re in your 20s which is a time of exploration and discovery and trying to figure things out – and that’s what both of you were trying to do. You were trying to balance the lure of travel, new experiences, health recovery, and this connection, while she was trying to balance romance with practicality, of being the one who is left behind, of keeping a flame for you burning while also – very understandably – not wanting to limit her life and experiences and explorations for someone who has been inconsistent in their actions and intentions.
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You both have been juggling differing priorities, and that’s okay. But if you’re going to prove to this woman that you’re someone who can commit; if you’re going to prove yourself to be a good and respectful partner; if you’re going to show her that you can view her as equal and not just a side quest who you expect to always be available while you bop in and out of the country and her life – well, you do need to choose better.
I don’t think any of your life decisions were wrong – travelling is gorgeous and expansive and is something everyone should be so lucky to experience – but your communication with and thus treatment of this girl has been a disaster. You can’t declare you love someone only to constantly flip-flop on breaking up with them. You can’t tell someone you want to recommit then disappear abroad again. And you can’t come back with declarations of love and commitment then say “we’re not exclusive but also tell me if you get with anyone else and if you do, I’ll punish you for it”.
I know you feel you love this girl. But love isn’t just a feeling. Love is an action, is a choice – and these actions and choices are not one-off decisions but constant, never-ending decisions and priorities and consistencies that add up over minutes, days, weeks, years. Your feelings inside you may be screaming “love”, but your actions have screamed to her “inconsistency, lack of consideration, lack of commitment, lack of priority, lack of respect”. So if you really want to be with this girl, it’s time to stop thinking so much about your feelings, and start thinking about your actions. How do your actions show commitment, respect, consideration, priority?
I’ll tell you something for nothing: holding a grudge because she dated or slept with someone else while you were absolutely not together and when you had made no commitments to her, will not show that you love her. I personally think that exclusivity without a relationship is a nonsense sentiment most commonly suggested by one person so they can string the other along, benefit from their attention, while avoiding the work and commitment of a relationship. There’s almost never a good reason for it, and someone often ends up hurt.
You didn’t even agree to this so I don’t know why you’re framing this as “a loss of exclusivity”, but let me be clear: this girl was single and did nothing wrong. She has offered several times to be in a committed relationship with you, and you’ve played with her emotions, left her, and refused to commit. Again, I understand your life circumstances – but part of being an adult is recognising the impact your actions have had on another person.
You are not in a relationship with this girl, not exclusive with her. That means she is single, which means she did nothing wrong, which means there’s nothing for you to “forgive”. You can have some hurt feelings that she was with someone else, you can feel sad about it, that’s understandable and human. But your emotions are not indicative that she did anything wrong, and you need to stop conflating the two.
Love is proven not by grand declarations or jealous tantrums, but by steadiness, accountability, and showing up even when it’s uncomfortable
Demanding that a single person keep you updated on their sexual and romantic interludes with other people is, frankly, nonsense. Neither of you should have agreed to this. You’re both trying to exert control over each other without offering commitment, and that dynamic isn’t rewarding or expansive, it doesn’t facilitate trust or connection, all it does is erode connection, coerce behaviour, and cause harm. Chalk this experience up to both of you agreeing to something you should not have even suggested, and move on. If you continue punishing her for this, you’re proving that you’re far more into controlling her than loving her.
If you want to properly try with this girl, stop focusing so much on what you feel and focus on your actions. Do what someone who truly cares about her would do: ask her to be in a relationship with you, commit, and show up for her in your choices and decision, every day. If she’s not ready to commit to you – which at this point would absolutely be fair – then date her with intention and consistency. If she doesn’t want to do that right now either, then say you care for her deeply and that if she changes her mind you’d love to try again, but that you respect her need for space and to focus on herself – because she offered you the same respect when you went off travelling.
This situation doesn’t call for more self-punishment or resentment, it calls for courage. Forgive her, because she acted as a single person trying to protect her heart; forgive yourself, because you were young, unwell, searching, and human. But wisdom now means choosing differently.
[ ‘I’m in my mid 20s and I’m still a virgin. How do I start dating again?’Opens in new window ]
If you want this love, stop circling it in fear and start meeting it with clarity, consistency, and action. Love is proven not by grand declarations or jealous tantrums, but by steadiness, accountability, and showing up even when it’s uncomfortable. You can’t rewrite the past, but you can decide who you are next, so choose to be the version of yourself who loves with intention, not indecision. Good luck.
