Dear Roe,
My partner and I have been together for just under four years. We live abroad together and have quite a solid relationship that hasn’t involved any major arguments or issues. We’re at the stage where I feel the next step in the coming two years is marriage and children. For the past six months or so, I haven’t felt good in the relationship and have started to doubt whether it is what I want. I don’t know how to bring up the doubts I have. I feel she can sense I’m getting distant when she jokes about kids and marriage but I’m struggling to find the words for how I really feel. I can’t pinpoint why I feel this way. I believe my own mental health may not be the best and I don’t think this helps me having irrational thoughts. How can I approach the conversation without sounding like I definitely want to end the relationship?
What feels important to begin with is gently asking yourself what exactly does not feel good right now? Is it something about you and your internal world, is it the connection between you and your partner, or is it the weight of marriage and children suddenly making the future feel very real and very final? These are different questions, and they deserve to be separated before they are solved. When everything is bundled together, doubt can feel larger and more threatening than it actually is.
You are also right to take your mental health seriously in this. When anxiety, low mood, or emotional exhaustion are present, they often attach themselves to the nearest meaningful thing, often a relationship. That does not mean your doubts are imaginary, but it does mean they need context. Working with a therapist can help you care for your mental health while also untangling what belongs to you as an individual and what truly belongs to the relationship. That distinction matters, especially when you are standing at a crossroads involving long-term commitments.
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And I want to stress: the doubts or anxieties you’re experiencing are not uncommon or disastrous. If you’ve read this column for long enough, you know that I am all in favour of people leaving relationships that do not feel right for them, and if over time you realise that this relationship is not for you, that’s okay. It will be a transition that involves some grief and pain but you will ultimately be okay – and indeed, if it’s not the right relationship for you, ending it will be a kindness to both you and your partner, leaving you both open to find the right path.
But that might not be what’s happening here. Long, stable relationships often reach a quiet threshold where nothing is necessarily wrong, and yet something inside begins to ask, “Is this the life I’m choosing, or the life I drifted into?” That question can feel especially loud when the possibility of marriage and children enter the room, as the gravity of those transitions can make everything feel huge and all-consuming. But right now, you don’t need to panic, you need to explore. You need to lean into the discomfort both of your feelings and of raising these issues with your partner so that you can come to understand them and gain more clarity.
Don’t think of raising an issue as causing a problem, think of it as an invitation to deeper intimacy
I know this might feel very scary to you right now. The fact that your relationship has not had any big fights or crises may actually be adding to your stress. Without practice navigating conflict, it can feel as though raising a concern means creating a problem or becoming the problem yourself. That fear is understandable, but it is not accurate. What creates real damage is not doubt, it is silence. Right now, your current anxieties and mental health is not a problem – but your refusal to speak about them with your partner likely is. It’s creating distance and isolation and loneliness between you and your partner, and probably confusion and anxiety for your partner who doesn’t know why you’re emotionally withdrawing. Thoughtful clarity does not inflame these feelings, it usually relieves them.
After four years together, learning how to move through a period of disconnection is not a failure of the relationship, it is part of its maturation. This is how couples learn to raise difficult truths without panicking, how to talk about doubt without immediately reaching for endings, and how to hold each other through anxiety, mental-health struggles and differing timelines. Those skills are necessary for any long-term relationship. Life is long and complicated, and you need to be able to discuss issues – both internal and external – with your partner. So don’t think of raising an issue as causing a problem, think of it as an invitation to deeper intimacy.
It is also worth reminding yourself that uncertainty is not betrayal. You’re allowed to experience doubts and anxieties, and asking to discuss these with your partner is a sign of trust and connection. You also don’t need a perfectly articulated reason or to have everything figured out before you’re allowed to speak; you don’t need to be able to present problem, process, solution, verdict in one tiny package. Real connection, real conversations, real relationships don’t work that way. Often, clarity is reached by speaking, not before it, so allow yourself to not have all the answers right now, and invite your partner into the process of discovering them.
So it’s time to start talking. When it comes to speaking with your partner, the aim is not to announce a decision or to hand down a verdict about the relationship. The aim is to invite her into your inner world as it actually is, even though it feels messy and unfinished.
One way to frame this is to stay rooted in your internal state rather than the relationship’s failures, to name uncertainty instead of conclusions, and to make it clear that this is about understanding rather than ending. You could say something like, “I want to talk about something that has been hard for me to put into words. I love what we have, and I am not bringing this up because I want to leave. Over the last few months I have been feeling unsettled and unsure in myself, especially when I think about the future. I do not fully understand why yet, and I think my mental health may be part of it. I did not want to pull away without being honest, and I wanted to share this with you because you matter to me.” If you have found a therapist, you can tell her that you have done so, and that you’re looking forward to getting some support and clarity. Spoken this way, you are reassuring her without making promises and you are opening a conversation rather than closing one. You’re also getting some evidence of how your partner responds to vulnerable conversations, which is important for you to experience.
If the topic of marriage and children feels pressing for her or if you two struggle with this stage of your relationship, you can consider couples therapy to help you address your views of the future of the relationship and how to navigate this period of uncertainty. But no matter the outcome, honesty when delivered with care is never a bad idea. It gives good relationships room to grow, lets important issues be addressed when necessary, but most importantly will give you the opportunity to practise owning your own needs.
