Dear Roe,
I’m a 29-year-old single woman. During last summer, I rekindled with an old flame for a brief, secretive and enjoyable fling. It was fun, we both acknowledged that and to me, it seemed like there was a genuine connection. However, he ended it abruptly, citing his close friendship with my brother as being a big factor – that the risk of damaging their friendship was not worth it. I don’t know why he automatically assumed it would end badly. It’s been eight months now, he’s moved on with a new person but I can’t stop thinking about him. I’m incredibly frustrated and angry that Covid has left me with little opportunity to meet new people, outside of dating apps. I’m not sure I know how to get over him without meeting someone new. With every day that goes by that I don’t meet a possible partner, my anxiety and frustration about the situation grows.
You have already touched on the link that you have created between this person and your current frustration, but let’s make it clearer. You had a casual relationship with someone that you both hid from other people, including your family (I’m guessing this was more his preference than yours.) The brief duration, the lack of integration between this relationship and your broader lives, and the lack of shared vision for the future meant that this relationship had very strict confines and limitations.
What's holding you back now is that you're still clinging onto the fantasy hypothetical future version of this relationship
It sounds like the boundaries of this relationship were quite clear – but you wanted more, and so projected more onto it. You started thinking of a fantasy version of this relationship where you were both more serious, more committed, where the relationship was a bigger part of your lives. This is completely understandable. You liked someone, and wanted more, so started imagining more. We’ve all done it.
But what’s holding you back now is that you’re still clinging onto the fantasy hypothetical future version of this relationship rather than accepting what it actually was: a brief, secretive fling. Even as you write “I don’t know why he automatically assumed it would end badly”, you’re focusing on the imagined future – in your mind, a Happy Ever After – instead of the current reality: he ended the relationship because he wanted to.
It will let you recognise the reality of relationships in the moment instead of fantasising and projecting
What’s heightening this obsession with past flings and imagined futures is that you’re right – dating and connecting and meeting new people is difficult right now. But what if instead of obsessing over your past with this person, or an imaginary future with him or someone else, you focused on yourself in the present? You seem intent on letting romantic interests define your worth and happiness. Focusing on yourself, what makes you happy, and what makes you feel your own worth outside of a romantic relationship is important. Learning how to stay in the moment, how to appreciate what you want and need and what makes you feel good will be important to moving forward in relationships. It will let you recognise the reality of relationships in the moment instead of fantasising and projecting, and let you recognise whether they actually feel good and empowering, or if you need more.
You say you don’t know how to get over this man without meeting someone new. For now, try to meet yourself, where you are, and accept yourself.