Dear Roe,
My boyfriend and I broke up a few months ago. We were a terrible couple – we should never have been together – but I can’t stop thinking about having sex with him. I’m worried it will turn into something similar to porn addiction and that I’ll never be really satisfied by another man again, or that anyone I do date who is sexually confident enough to measure up to him will also be an unsuitable long-term boyfriend. Am I overthinking?
I actually don’t think you’re overthinking. Because overthinking usually involves over-analysis, and analysis is what is lacking from your thought process right now. What you’re doing is obsessing.
And to a certain extent, that’s okay. Most people obsess slightly in the wake of a dysfunctional relationship and recent break-up.
What’s interesting about your question is that you are applying the questions and doubts many of us experience in the wake of a break-up – Will I ever find someone again? Will I feel that way again? Will I be happy again? – specifically to your sex life, not your romantic life.
Because we are told, implicity and explicitly, that sex is bad, desire is wrong, and pleasure is sinful, you are pathologising your reaction and assuming that having these doubts and fears is a problem.
You have internalised some of society's messages that being sexually confident renders a person somehow less respectable, trust-worthy and loveable than other people
Thinking about an ex, or sex, or sex-with-an-ex isn’t inherently a problem. But there are two frameworks that are limiting your thinking at the moment, and I do think they are problematic.
The first is your apparent belief that sexually confident people cannot be suitable romantic partners. When applied to women, this line of thinking is referred to as the Madonna/Whore complex. Freud considered this complex to arise from men’s issues with their mothers (because, of course he did). It’s a man’s inability to see women as fully rounded sexual beings, instead separating them into two categories – the Madonna, and the Whore.
Here are the broad strokes: to these men, the Madonna is long-term relationship material: a wife, the mother to his children, an embodiment of all the best qualities of his own mother. She is innocent, pure, nurturing, wholesome and maternal. She’s the “good girl”, and these men would never dream of tarnishing, corrupting or demeaning her with pleasure-fuelled sex.
On the other hand, the Whore is the “bad girl”. She’s the erotic, uninhibited, sensual one with whom he can enjoy completely orgasmic sex – but will never want a relationship with or take home to introduce to his mother. She’s not a person, but a sex object.
These two hideous and restricting categories are mutually exclusive: a woman can be one or the other, but never both.
You don’t indicate your own gender, but regardless, you have obviously internalised some of society’s messages that being sexually confident renders a person somehow less respectable, trust-worthy and loveable than other people. You’re immediately dismissing and objectifying sexually confident people, refusing to acknowledge that they are fully-rounded human beings – while also wanting to have sex with them. You are dehumanising people, while also desiring access to their bodies and sexuality.
That’s a problem.
There’s a chicken-and-egg quandary here, as I wonder if this attitude towards sexuality was partly to blame for the issues in your relationship, or if the breakdown of your relationship fuelled this attitude, as you conflated your ex’s sexuality with your romantic incompatibility and are now projecting it onto future potential partners. It would be worth examining where this attitude came from and how it has impacted your previous romantic and sexual interactions, so that you can begin to dismantle it.
As you do, hopefully you will be able to address the other problematic framework that seems to be dominating your thinking: that your ex gets sole credit for the amazing sex you had with him.
It’s not surprising, in a way, that you are removing your own sexual confidence and abilities from this equation. If you believe that sexual people are somehow unworthy, then it’s easier to mentally desexualise yourself than grapple with the worldview-threatening idea that you can be both sexual and loveable.
So instead of obsessing over your ex’s sexual skills as if they existed independently from any participation on your part, start examining what you learned from sex with him, what you brought to the sex you had together, what you value about the sex you had.
If you enjoyed certain acts or techniques, learn how to communicate your desire for them to future partners. If you found the dynamic between you and your ex enjoyable, think about why it was pleasurable and how you can bring this to the sex you have with other people.
And if it was that you felt more free, more sexually confident, more invested in your sexual pleasure because you didn’t view him as a viable romantic partner and thus were less inhibited, that is an issue that can be resolved by embracing a different attitude towards sex.
By accepting that sexually confident people are fully-rounded human beings who are entitled to respect and are capable of being fantastic partners in life as well as in the bedroom, you will also begin to accept yourself.
Respecting yourself and your partners is a pre-requisite for any healthy interaction, sexual or romantic. If you’re going to obsess over anything, obsess about how you can do that.
- Roe McDermott is a writer and Fulbright scholar with an MA in sexuality studies from San Francisco State University. She is researching a PhD in gendered and sexual citizenship at the Open University and Oxford
- If you have a problem or query you would like her to answer, you can submit it anonymously at irishtimes.com/dearroe
