Dear Roe,
I’m a queer woman and my partner is a cis man. We have been together for eight months and recently decided to open up our relationship. He has had open relationships before. I have not, but I was open to the idea and we discussed our comfort levels in detail. I told him that I felt comfortable and safe with him going on dates and sleeping with other people as long as I was still his primary partner. I meant all of this and thought I was ready. But now he’s gone on four dates with a woman and I feel awful. I’m jealous and anxious and am rapidly concluding that I don’t want us to be open at all. We’ve already fought about it, and he says he feels like I lied to him and that I’m being hypocritical. I honestly didn’t think I’d feel this way and feel guilty for misleading him, but I don’t know if this actually is for me at all.
And here, folks, is the difference between theory and reality.
In theory, you felt ready and equipped for this step, but in reality, you are reacting differently than you expected. This isn’t lying, nor is it being hypocritical; it is being human – and being human sometimes involves experiencing unpredictable emotions and reactions.
This is also your first time opening up a relationship, so you had no idea what the experience would be like in practice. It makes sense that you are finding this change a lot to process emotionally, and I’m concerned that your partner isn’t being more understanding – particularly given that he has more experience in open relationships. It is possible that you presented these issues in ways that felt attacking, and your communication may be the issue, but changing your mind is not itself manipulative, and belatedly realising your discomfort is not a harmful act.
I must also note that it’s a myth that people in open relationships never experience jealousy or anxiety. The aim of open relationships isn’t to bypass any difficult emotions that come with non-monogamy, but to respectfully communicate through them if they arise. Seminal books on non-monogamy such as The Ethical Slut address jealousy at length, and explore how to navigate it.
But these conversations can only happen in relationships where you feel respected, heard and supported, which you do not right now. I’m concerned that if he’s dismissive of your very understandable (and predictable) feelings now, then complex issues that arise later in the relationship will not be handled with the maturity, respect and sensitivity needed.
Neither of you can control the other, but you can choose to respect each other's feelings and needs
It’s possible that you are simply more suited to monogamy and need to end this relationship; or that there is an open relationship arrangement that would work for you and your boyfriend if you approached it more slowly and thoughtfully; or that you would thrive in an open relationship – with a more understanding partner.
You need to have two serious conversations with your boyfriend, about your emotional needs right now, and then about structure of your relationship moving forward. It might be a good idea to separate these conversations at first, and have them when you are both calm and have a lot of time for yourselves.
Neither of you can control the other, but you can choose to respect each other’s feelings and needs. Be sure you’re both doing that.
