Dear Roe,
I’ve concerns about my boyfriend’s social life. We met three months after he moved over from the UK a year ago, and we now live together. I’m busy working full-time, studying part-time and trying to fit in friends and hobbies too. My boyfriend tells me he doesn’t see me enough, which stresses me out because I give him all the quality time I can. He has work friends but they don’t hang out (and he has not taken them up on their offers to do so). He has friends in the UK, but I don’t want to be the only person he has here. But he says he has enough friends.
Maybe I should leave him be, but recently I was out studying until late. When I got back, he was in a mood that he was alone and bored all day, but I’m not responsible for entertaining him. This is what I was always afraid would happen. He won’t go to the gym or join a club. He’s in good health mentally so it’s nothing on that front. He has moved around in the past, and never struggled elsewhere, so it’s not a social skills issue.
He said that before meeting me, all he did was work, watch TV and sleep, and he was very unhappy. If I’m not around, he reverts back to that. Can I do anything?
Are you sure your boyfriend is in good mental health? There seems to be a glaring contradiction in his statements. He says he has enough friends and that he’s fine – but admits that before meeting you, he didn’t socialise and was deeply unhappy. There’s a huge difference between being contentedly introverted or valuing your alone time, and staying alone and isolated when it makes you unhappy.
While it may seem romantic that he is happier now that he has you, combined with his demands for your time and his moodiness when you aren’t around, this is actually quite concerning. There’s a difference between appreciating you and being dependent on you, and it sounds like your boyfriend’s behaviour is veering into the latter category. You should not be your boyfriend’s one source of happiness. He needs a more well-rounded life that won’t completely disintegrate if you aren’t around or if you ever break up, and you need to not feel like you are solely responsible for his happiness.
Ask yourself what kind of interactions and dynamics you value in your relationship, and whether your boyfriend is offering that to you – and then share your thoughts with him
He has become dependent on you to entertain him; he’s demanding time and energy that you don’t have without sacrificing other aspects of your life; and when you do come home to him, he is moody and bored and taking that out on you. This is all dependent behaviour, and has the potential to become very stressful for you. You don’t get to enjoy your own life without worrying about him, and you’re no longer enjoying your time together because you’re responsible for bringing all the energy to these interactions.
This also could become dull for you. Your boyfriend isn’t interacting with the world and is bored as a result – but he also isn’t acting on his curiosity or need for inspiration and stimulation, and is instead demanding that you fulfil it. Is he offering you inspiration and stimulation back, at all? There are smart and creative people who don’t need a lot of extra social interaction to be great company and wonderful conversationalists – but some do. The maxim “only boring people are bored” isn’t always true – but it can be, sometimes.
Ask yourself what kind of interactions and dynamics you value in your relationship, and whether your boyfriend is offering that to you – and then share your thoughts with him. You are allowed to set boundaries, and express your needs. Explain that you can’t sacrifice more of your social time and hobbies for him, but he can occasionally join you. (I do mean occasionally – I think it’s important you have some time just for yourself.) Tell him that after a busy day, you don’t want to have to be “on” and entertain him, and need him to stop demanding emotional energy that he is not giving you.
Address the fact that his happiness now seems to be completely dependent on you, and that you are – rightly – uncomfortable with shouldering that burden and responsibility, and that you would feel more secure in your relationship if he had extra sources of support. You can offer to help, if it involves seeking out a therapist, starting a hobby or meeting new people.
It's worth remembering your boyfriend did manage to find you. He can reach out to the world and connect with others to have his social and emotional needs met
Would it be possible to visit his friends in the UK? I suspect seeing whether he is happier and more outgoing with them will clarify if he was never very sociable, or whether he has become isolated since moving to Ireland – which is understandable. It can be very difficult to make new friends as an adult – but he also needs to want to make the effort. A lack of desire to interact with anyone when he has been sociable in the past could be a sign that he has become depressed, which is why asking him again about life in the UK and his current mental health is important.
It’s worth remembering that your boyfriend did manage to find you. He is capable of reaching out to the world and connecting with others to have his social and emotional needs met. Explain to him that for the good of your relationship, you need him to reach out again, so that he has more to hold on to than just you. Hopefully he’ll soon see that the world has a habit of reaching back – and both of you can start reaping the rewards.
Roe McDermott is a writer and Fulbright scholar with an MA in sexuality studies from San Francisco State University. She is researching a PhD in gendered and sexual citizenship at the Open University and Oxford. If you have a problem or query you would like her to answer, you can submit it anonymously at irishtimes.com/dearroe
