Dear Roe,
I have been with my boyfriend for three years, and we have been living together for seven months. We’ve discussed getting married and having children, and plan to get engaged in the next six months or so. My boyfriend is funny, warm and interesting, but living together has brought up some problems. Since living together, I’ve learned that he doesn’t do any chores. None. I am constantly cooking and cleaning, and when I ask him to help, he either tells me I do it all better, or he puts in such a half-hearted effort that I end up re-doing everything. I’m worried about what happens when we have children, but he assures me that he will help out more when that happens. He is really excited about being a father, so I believe he’ll want to help, but I’m worried about his follow-through.
Do not get engaged, and keep on your birth control until this situation changes.
Your boyfriend may be funny, warm and interesting but right now, he is not acting as a good partner. By refusing to help manage your house (the house he lives in!), he is communicating that he sees your time, energy and role in this relationship as less important than his.
Now, of course issues like illness, disability and mental health problems can make housework harder for some people, but these issues do not seem to be a factor here. I also understand that not everyone is taught the same skills equally, and some people truly despise certain chores. But he has the entire internet, instructional articles, common sense, and you at his disposal – he could learn if he wanted to.
And there’s a difference between trading chores – e.g. offering to clean the bathroom if you make dinner – and refusing to do either, ever. His refusal to learn basic household skills are a form of weaponised incompetence – the act of pretending to be bad at certain tasks to get out of doing them.
Let’s consider his promise to change when you have a child. First of all, the promise indicates that he does consider himself capable of doing these tasks, but he just refuses to now. Why will your time and energy only become worthy when you’re a mother? Why isn’t it worthy now?
Secondly, let’s consider the logistics of his promise. He is claiming that in the weeks when you are both sleep-deprived and grappling with the reality of having your first child, this is when he will also take the time to learn all these new skills and start implementing an entirely new domestic routine? Nonsense.
Your boyfriend is claiming that there is a future imaginary deadline when he gets to prove that he’s a good partner. But the deadline is now. It is every day. He either shows up for you and treats you as an equal now, or he doesn’t. And multiple studies show that gender gaps in housework don’t get better after a couple have children – in fact, they often get worse.
Have a very clear conversation about all the tasks and chores required to maintain your home, and state very clearly that these responsibilities are to be shared. Assign specific tasks if necessary. Offer – genuinely – to show your boyfriend how to do any tasks he isn’t sure about, and do so. But remember that how he chooses to show up now is the proof of the kind of partner he is, and likely the partner he will continue to be. Consider your future accordingly.
Roe McDermott is a writer and Fulbright scholar with an MA in sexuality studies from San Francisco State University. If you have a problem you would like her to answer, submit it anonymously at irishtimes.com/dearroe