Dear Roe,
I’ve used vibrators for years, and they’re the most reliable way of bringing me to orgasm, both on my own and with a partner. I’ve never had an orgasm through penetrative sex, and though I have previously had orgasms from oral sex, it has been rare.
Occasionally I've felt a lot of pressure from a partner to have an orgasm which inevitably ruins the mood entirely and ensures it won't happen. So I now use sex toys during sex with whoever I'm dating, not to replace any sexual activity with them but to enhance it.
This has never been a problem in the past, but I’ve recently started seeing a man and we’re getting more serious. When we first started having sex, I brought out my vibrator and he asked could we not use it, as he wanted to learn how to make me feel as good as possible. I liked his attitude and our sex life has been good, but orgasms are still rare. It’s been a couple of months now and I want to bring a vibrator into our sex life, but whenever I try, he insists “we don’t need it” and goes on a mission to bring me to orgasm.
I do appreciate the effort, but I want to use my vibrator! How do I tell him this without offending him or having him view this as a challenge?
“Need” is such an interesting word when it comes to sex. We often talk about people’s “needs”, and your boyfriend insists that you “don’t need” sex toys. I’m very rapidly falling out of love with the idea of need and sex, in the same way I’m no longer telling anyone that they “deserve” a good sex life. Far too often, these words aren’t taken as well-intentioned expressions, but are instead weaponised as entitlement and control.
So let’s nip your boyfriend’s rhetoric about “need”, and the arrogant assumption that only he knows what you need during sex. Let’s talk about what you want. You want to use a sex toy during sex, because it’s one of the only ways you will have an orgasm. Which essentially boils down to: you want to have an orgasm – and right now, your boyfriend is telling you that he’s not willing to be part of giving you one.
I understand your boyfriend is trying to bring you to orgasm in different ways, and having a partner who focuses on foreplay and oral sex is great. But right now, these acts aren’t as generous as they seem. Your boyfriend is using your sex life to set himself the “challenge” of bringing you to orgasm, and focusing on how doing that would satisfy his own ego and sense of masculinity. This isn’t about your pleasure any more, because when it comes to your pleasure, he’s hearing your desires, but refusing to listen. He knows what will bring you pleasure, and he’s refusing to do it.
Insecurity
People get to set boundaries when it comes to sex, but in this case your boyfriend’s boundary seems to be coming out of a place of insecurity, and misunderstanding. He believes that he should be able to bring you to orgasm without help, and that not doing so means he has failed. This is an unfortunately common attitude, as men are taught to base so much of their self-worth in their “natural” sexual prowess, which usually focuses on penis size or some assumed telepathic ability around women’s pleasure.
Men are rarely taught that actual sexual prowess largely depends on open communication, a willingness to learn and a respect for their partner, including their partner’s pleasure and desire.
So, you’re going to have to explain to him that you have always used sex toys with partners, and see using sex toys not as a condemnation of his skills, but a vital part of your pleasure and a way of strengthening your bond. Using sex toys shows that he prioritises a mutually enjoyable sex life over his ego and shows that he’s willing to listen to his partner and allow his ideas of sex to evolve.
Then, give him a quick lesson about the clitoris, and its role in sexual pleasure. The clitoral network is vast, and has more than 8,000 nerve endings, that extend far beyond the visible clitoral glans, to under and around the area, and stimulation of these nerve endings is often the only way women can orgasm. (Up to 80 per cent – yes, 80 per cent – of women will never orgasm from penetrative sex alone, largely because the clitoris isn’t often stimulated during penile-vaginal penetration.) Like many women, your clitoris responds to the pressure, repetition and stimulation of a vibrator, which is perfectly normal. So you using a vibrator during sex so you can enjoy orgasms with your partner is also perfectly normal.
Since he loves challenges so much, challenge him to use the vibrator to bring you to orgasm
To be generous, you could ease him in to the idea by using smaller vibrators during sex to begin with, so he can see the benefits without being intimidated by the toy itself. Tell him how good sex feels with him while you’re using the toy at the same time, so he understands that this is still about your shared sex life. And since he loves challenges so much, challenge him to use the vibrator to bring you to orgasm.
If he still refuses to acknowledge how important a vibrator is to your personal pleasure and your shared sex life, it indicates that his insecurities are preventing him from being a good partner. And you may need to think about what that means for you.