Dear Roe,
I’m a thirty-six year old woman. I went through a difficult break-up last year with the man I thought I was going to marry. He said he had become bored in the relationship and that “we were both stuck”. This floored me because I thought we were happy and committed, and that us both being so comfortable and devoted to each other was a good thing.
Now I can't even really think about dating, and am wondering if maybe my ex was right: if I relied on him and the relationship to motivate me. I have read all the advice about getting back out there, and it all hinges on having confidence and "loving yourself first", but when the person you loved thinks you were boring, how are you meant to do that?
I’m going to blame RuPaul for this one. On every episode of the approximately 97 seasons of Drag Race, RuPaul loudly declares “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?” Though well-intentioned, this sentiment ignores reality for a lot of people.
Humans are social beings. We form our identities and sense of self-worth in relation to other people, and often, being loved by someone is the primary way that we come to believe that we are loveable. Of course we should focus on building up our self-esteem independently, but to pretend that self-love is always easy – especially right after a break-up – can put an unreasonable amount of pressure on ourselves.
What if you focused on being yourself and loving that? Instead of insisting that you love yourself.
Trying to love yourself completely is an exercise in looking inwards at yourself and constantly judging whether you are worthy, loveable. But if you focused on loving being yourself, you would direct your attention outwards, towards your life. You would have to start making choices and taking action based on what makes you feel good and what motivates you.
I do not know what happened in your last relationship, but remember that there is an important difference between your ex being bored and you being boring. Him not feeling fulfilled is about him and his needs, not you. And him leaving was a favour to you both, because you deserve to be with someone who wants what you want and now you get to reconnect with what makes you feel alive, apart from him.
It may start out as a coping mechanism but I promise that it will begin to feel more fulfilling. Think about your day-to-day existence and what could help you love being yourself right now. List what you enjoy doing and things you want to try, notice what makes you feel your best and cultivate those things.
And maybe part of your best life will always be about connecting with other people, loving them, caring for them – but what could that look like outside of a romantic partnership? Could it mean nourishing your friendships, volunteering, channelling your care for others into hobbies or activism? Would therapy be a good way to focus inwards, but in a way that serves you, not someone else?
You have experienced an important break-up, and that’s difficult. But I promise there is an infinite number of gorgeous, exciting, fulfilling experiences waiting for you to. Now is the time to choose which ones you want to experience.
Roe McDermott is a writer and Fulbright scholar with an MA in sexuality studies from San Francisco State University. She is researching a PhD in gendered and sexual citizenship at the Open University and Oxford
If you have a problem or query you would like her to answer, you can submit it anonymously at irishtimes.com/dearroe
