Dear Roe,
I was recently devastated to discover that my partner of 16 years cheated with a woman he knows for quite some time. He told me she contacted him regarding a business deal. What I cannot understand is how a business proposal can go from that to “Hi darling”, to “Can we meet?” to “Can we spend the night together?” in a short period of time. He usually tells me everything but he never mentioned her calls. I’m glad I saw the texts but also feel angry and betrayed that he has ruined our relationship. Had I not seen the texts I believe he would still be in touch with her.
My trust in him is completely gone and while I don’t know how to imagine a life without him, I also don’t know how we can recover from this, or if recovering from cheating is possible.
The hurt and betrayal caused by cheating can be traumatic, but when it occurs in a long-term relationship or marriage, the potential it has to destabilise your home and future is also wrenching.
Your partner’s actions were deliberate; he could have stopped or de-escalated the interactions and chose not to. He was aware that he was betraying your relationship, which is why he never mentioned the other woman. And because you discovered the text messages, rather than him admitting his indiscretions, you doubt his ability to be accountable and trustworthy.
Many people would understand if you decide to leave him.
However, it’s not the only option. You could attempt to work through this difficult period if you both want to try, and it’s important to acknowledge this as an option. Too often in modern discourse about infidelity, a sense of judgement and shame is imposed upon people who choose to stay with partners who have cheated - even though research indicates that among married couples, staying together after infidelity is still common.
What makes infidelity such a difficult topic to address is that our modern understanding of it is both new and contradictory. Monogamy is quite a new concept – men having affairs or multiple partners was socially acceptable across many cultures until very recently. Marriage for love is also a new concept, and over the past three decades has transformed further as contraception and divorce opened it up for interpretations beyond the traditional model.
The idea of the romantic partnership of marriage being a huge source of an individual’s self-worth and happiness and fulfilment is still a developing concept.
And yet, despite these recently evolving ideas, we act like we understand infidelity. We pretend that monogamy is easy and that infidelity is now and always has been innately and universally unforgiveable - even though these measures of love and commitment are, sociologically speaking, new.
The stakes of leaving a relationship after one instance of infidelity can also be vastly different. Leaving a one-year relationship is not the same as leaving a 16-year partnership that could include property, children, and years of loyalty and happiness.
So let’s not lie and say that infidelity is a black-or-white issue for everyone. Leaving an entire life you’ve created with someone is a huge decision, and if you decide to stay and try work through it, there is no shame in that.
But your partner needs to prove himself worthy of this chance. He has to be even more invested in working through this than you do. He has to want to be honest, and self-aware, and committed. He has to acknowledge not only his actions and the hurt they caused, but the reasons he did so.
A common belief around infidelity is that it always indicates problems in a relationship. This isn’t necessarily true and this rhetoric can also implicitly blame the betrayed partner, implying their neglect caused the infidelity. But in research into infidelity in marriages, cheaters often cite that they felt a loss in themselves, not their relationship. They cite seeking validation, excitement, freedom or a being seen differently by someone. It’s often not that cheaters are rejecting their partners, but are rejecting who they think they themselves have become and seeking out a new sense of self.
This could have been the case with your partner. Or he could have felt neglected, or have simply been lustful. But he needs to be clear on his reasons, and explain how he will work with you so that you both feel appreciated and fulfilled while respecting your relationship.
You need to have very open, frank conversations, where he can address what this potential affair was offering him, and what he was seeking or expressing that he didn’t with you. He needs to address what he values about your relationship, and how he envisions moving forward.
This is also an opportunity for you to evaluate how your relationship has been working for you; if you feel fulfilled, if you need aspects of your relationship to change, both so that he can prove himself worthy of your trust again, and so that you feel valued and supported.
The partnership you have had up until now has ended; it will never be the same. Together, you and your partner may be able to work together to create a new relationship, one that’s more honest and self-aware and recommitted. Only you two can decide if that is possible.
Roe McDermott is a writer and Fulbright scholar with an MA in sexuality studies from San Francisco State University. She is researching a PhD in gendered and sexual citizenship at the Open University and Oxford.
