Dear Roe,
My wife and I have been together for five years, married for two. I thought that we had a happy relationship, but recently she told me that she is "bored" in our relationship. She didn't say that she was considering leaving, but it was implied. I'm so scared of losing her but I don't know how to fix a problem I didn't know we had. I'm not bored, I'm still in love with her but I don't know what to do. Any advice?
Boredom. It’s something that happens to literally everyone, and yet we are not taught how to deal with it, how to accept it as a natural part of life and relationships, or how to take responsibility for our own sense of boredom. Instead, boredom is taken as the death knell of any relationship, and all too often, left at the feet of a partner with a hefty dose of blame. “I’m bored,” can so often be followed with an implicit “and it’s your fault.”
I am not advocating that people stay in relationships where they constantly feel unfulfilled, numbed, neglected or disengaged. But we do need to shift our conversations around boredom in relationships. These conversations don’t have to be threats – they can be conversations. They can be invitations; invitations to honesty and insight and a shared attempt to solve the issue.
It’s interesting to me that your wife either didn’t elaborate on her boredom or you didn’t hear her, so this seems to be a good place to start the conversation.
What type of boredom is she referring to? At year two of marriage, the excitement of wedding planning and the honeymoon phase is wearing off. Are there parts of your relationship that need the extra attention they once had? Does she mean that she feels as though your relationship has become emotionally neglectful, taking each other for granted, stuck in a routine? Are both of you equally attentive when it comes to planning things for each other, or does she feel as though she has taken on the lion’s share of emotional and romantic maintenance in the relationship? Does she mean she wants more adventures, be it date nights or future plans? Does she want some sexual exploration? Or is her boredom something that stretches beyond your relationship – is she bored with the restraints of Covid-era life (aren’t we all?) or is she feeling stuck or stagnant in her life generally and projecting this on to your relationship?
One thing to be mindful about conversations around boredom are to notice when gendered or cultural scripts are impacting our perception of relationships. It can be easy to think that romance must constantly look like a glamorous, expensive, Instagram-worthy date night, or to fall into gendered thinking, such as believing that men must constantly woo women and women must constantly hold men’s sexual attention. These scripts are sneaky, and can make us undervalue each other and become resentful when reality doesn’t match up to the script.
Create your own script instead. Your wife has initiated a conversation – make sure you both continue it, together.