Dear Roe,
I'm a man in my early 50s and who has been experiencing erectile difficulties for the past two years. I am terrified of this affecting my relationship with my wife who is in her mid-30s. Although I adore her, I find her incredibly intimidating, as she constantly makes it clear to me that she is deeply unhappy with our sex life and blames me for it. She has also at times mentioned this in passing in front of our friends which I have found extremely humiliating.
I have explored pharmaceutical options with mixed success, however I think my sexual performance is also inhibited by a sense of fear and pressure from the prospect of not satisfying my wife. Recently, I discovered a series of flirtatious messages on her phone with one of her work colleagues who is of similar age to her. I fear they may be having an affair and that ultimately my marriage may fall apart due to this. What should I do?
Let us be unequivocal about this: your erectile difficulties are not the problem here. The issues of power, communication, shame and betrayal in your relationship are the problem.
Many men experience erectile dysfunction, and a pervasive and often damaging trope is that it’s all in men’s heads, that this is a problem that can be solved with the right attitude and sexual prompt. Like many assumptions about sexuality and gender, this is rooted in toxic stereotypes about masculinity, and the idea that men should be mentally and physically ready and waiting for penetrative sex at any moment – which is ridiculous, damaging and unrealistic.
Many factors can lead to erectile dysfunction, including stress, mental health problems, emotional disconnect from your partner, and a wide array of health issues, so anyone experiencing erectile dysfunction should always feel comfortable speaking to their doctor and seeing if there are underlying issues to be addressed.
But it's also important to acknowledge that erectile dysfunction is a natural and very common part of aging; the Massachusetts Male Aging Study (MMAS) found that 52 per cent of men between 40 and 70 years old reported having some form of erectile dysfunction, with roughly 50 per cent of men at 50 years old, 60 per cent of men at 60 years old and 70 per cent of men at 70 years old experiencing some erectile dysfunction. Thus, nearly all men who live long enough will likely experience erectile dysfunction – and yet, as you're likely aware, there's still such unnecessary embarrassment and silence around this common issue.
Your erectile dysfunction is not the problem. The lack of respect, trust, communication, equality and frankly, loving behaviour is the problem
The myths and shame that surround the issue of erectile dysfunction serve no one and hurt so many people in various ways – it causes insecurity, rifts in relationships, and prevents people from speaking about their experience and receiving support and/or treatment if desired and appropriate.
And as you are unfortunately experiencing in your relationship, the myths and shame can also be used as an excuse to belittle and dehumanise men, as your partner is doing to you. Let’s start by addressing your wife’s claims that “she is deeply unhappy with our sex life and blames me for it”. A constantly erect penis is not necessary for a fulfilling sex life, and many couples, heterosexual and not, have incredible, joyous, deeply satisfying sexual lives that are not centred on penile-vaginal penetration.
For your weekly reminder, up to 80 per cent of women do not orgasm from penetrative sex alone, and even if your wife does enjoy and prioritise penetrative sex, there are sex toys you can buy to fulfil that need. You can also both engage in digital stimulation, oral sex, mutual masturbation, you can use sex toys and experiment with role play and fantasies and any number of sexual activities that do not require you to be fully erect.
Unless you have completely sexually stone-walled your wife and have refused to even discuss any ways to improve your sex life, you are not to “blame”. If your shared sex life is unfulfilling, then a lack of respect, communication, imagination, curiosity, effort and enthusiasm is to blame – not your penis.
Then there is the issue of your wife degrading you by revealing intimate details of your sex life in public without your consent. This is inexcusable. I believe that everyone should have someone outside of their relationship who they can confide in about their sex life, for safety and advice and simply to have a disinterested perspective and confidante, but these conversations should be respectful and private. For your wife to publicly discuss an issue she knows you find humiliating is disrespectful and cruel.
Combined with the other words you use to describe how you feel in your relationship – “intimidating”, “fear” and “pressure”– this relationship dynamic feels unhealthy. It is completely understandable that you are not feeling comfortable, confident or safe during sexual interactions when this is how you experience your relationship generally, not to mention when you cannot trust that the details of your sexual performance will not be discussed publicly.
It is also understandable that you would feel generally insecure about your relationship given the circumstances – though reacting to feelings of insecurity and disrespect and mistrust by looking through your partner’s phone is rarely the best idea. Creating yet another violation of trust and invasion of privacy will not solve the existing problems, and while you have discovered a flirtation, you haven’t discovered proof of an actual affair and have just introduced more stress and mistrust and emotional distance in your relationship.
Your erectile dysfunction is not the problem. The lack of respect, trust, communication, equality and frankly, loving behaviour is the problem, and this is not sustainable.
It’s time to have some very clear conversations with your wife about respect, trust, and boundaries, and establishing whether you both want to try to work on this relationship, together – and only later, how to reignite your sex life.
But it is also worth carefully considering how your wife makes you feel, and whether this relationship is worth fighting for or if it’s time to walk away. I recommend getting an individual therapist so you can work through your feelings and the insecurities this relationship and your erectile issues are causing you, and a couples’ counsellor to help you open a respectful dialogue with your wife about how to either stay together, or leave each other, respectfully. Good luck.