Dear Roe,
The person I thought was the love of my life ended things two months ago. We had been arguing a lot, and were both definitely feeling the effects of it. Looking back, I can see my self-confidence had been reduced to shreds.
I don’t blame him for this, but I do think I had a lot of insecurities in our relationship and he didn’t help to reassure me (such as by telling me how he felt more often), even though I had expressed it to him many times. I think it was the root of our issues, along with his seeming indifference to many problems in our relationship.
We are caught up in a very tight-knit group of friends, but the pandemic has given me the space I needed to clear my head, and stop chasing after him. I've been convincing myself this whole time that he mustn't have felt the same as me, or that he had accepted our relationship's fate long before I had. While I believe our relationship at the end was detrimental to our health, I feel that I loved him entirely and would not have been able to pull the plug on it.
As our friends are so closely intertwined, I will need to be, and want to be, friends with this person. Is it possible to be friends with someone you feel you loved absolutely and still do love? I feel I won’t be able to be around him until I can diffuse the pain that stems from the feeling that he gave up on us, when I never would have. Have you any advice to achieve this?
Seeing as you’re not facing the prospect of seeing your ex-boyfriend imminently, I think worrying about how group outings will go in the future should not be your main priority right now. You now have some time and space away from him and you should embrace this, using this time to focus your attention not on him, but on you.
Because there are things you need to examine, aspects of yourself and this relationship that you need to explore and reflect on. Your letter is clear that this relationship was not working, was not making you feel happy and confident and appreciated and fulfilled – and yet, by your own admission, you “would not have been able” to leave it.
That is concerning, and is something you need to address – generally, and particularly before getting into another relationship. Because you should never be in the mental state of thinking that even if a relationship isn’t working, even if a relationship is reducing your confidence to shreds, that you would never leave.
You say that you had a lot of insecurities in the relationship, and I’m curious if you had these insecurities before the relationship, too. It’s a question worth examining, because while it sounds like your ex-boyfriend did not offer you a lot of affection or reassurance, which can of course feel awful and crushing and can indeed cause insecurities, I also wonder whether, if you had higher self-esteem, you would have put up with his neglectful behaviour for as long?
Essentially, I’m wondering why, if there were so many problems for so long, you still thought that this man was the love of your life – and why did you never think that that you deserved better? Why did you think that love just means always staying with someone, even if you’re constantly fighting, even while having your needs neglected and feeling insecure? Where did you learn this lesson? Did these warped ideas of love equalling constant sacrifice and endurance and pain come from him, or had you internalised these ideas earlier?
There are contradictions in your description of your relationship that I'd encourage you to examine
From the details in your letter, your relationship seemed largely defined by your emotions and needs and boundaries being overlooked, as you didn’t feel heard or able to express yourself, and didn’t believe you deserved to ask for more. But I also fear that you are now, in some ways, perpetuating this dishonouring of your emotions yourself.
There are contradictions in your description of your relationship that I’d encourage you to examine, because I don’t think you’re letting yourself accept the reality of your relationship and its breakdown. According to your letter, your boyfriend’s actions throughout the relationship made you insecure – but he’s not to blame for your insecurities. Your boyfriend was indifferent to a lot of problems in the relationship – but it is you who would have stayed in the relationship indefinitely, despite its myriad problems. You admit that the relationship was detrimental to both of you – and yet you’re angry at your boyfriend for bringing it to an end, and still think staying was the right thing to do.
Now, you’re a human being, and you are allowed have swirling, multitudinous, contradictory emotions. It’s the definition of heartbreak, to love someone who has hurt you. But there’s a worrying theme here that seems to have defined your relationship itself, of you trying to preserve an idealised idea of the relationship and your ex, instead of accepting the flawed reality of it. You’re pushing aside the anger you have around his treatment of you. You’re overlooking how you disrespected your own needs by never even contemplating that you could deserve more.
Conditional
And even now, as you consider how you will be able to socialise, you’re putting other people’s needs first. You’re wondering how you to navigate heartbreak in such a way that you never have to express your discomfort to your friends, that no one has to change their behaviour for you, that he never has to endure a single awkward moment. You’re still living like everyone’s love for you is conditional, like you have to prove your worth by simply enduring, even as people ignore that you’re in shreds.
What would it mean if you learned how to embrace the messiest of your emotions? What if you asked for what you needed? What if you set boundaries, and left when other people don’t respect them?
When the world and socialising goes back to normal, explain to your ex and your friends that you’re grieving and healing, and need space from your ex to do that. You would appreciate if your friends could accommodate this for a while, meeting with you separately or understanding if you need to duck out of group outings should he arrive. Any human with a shred of empathy will understand. And, importantly, if they don’t, then you can tell them they will be seeing you less.
Show your friends and your ex how to respect your emotions and boundaries by doing it yourself, finally.
Roe McDermott is a writer and Fulbright scholar with an MA in sexuality studies. If you have a problem or query you would like her to answer (max 200 words), you can submit it anonymously at irishtimes.com/dearroe. Only questions selected for publication can be answered.
