Dear Roe,
I am a 20-year-old female virgin. Over the last few years I've struggled with various mental health issues which inhibited many areas of my life. Now I feel I've healed those issues, after getting help. But I feel nervous at the prospect of re-entering the dating world with a severe lack of experience when it comes to relationships and sex. I suppose it's a "put yourself out there and it'll get less daunting" type of thing – but I'm struggling to make that first move. Any advice?
First of all: you’re great. It is brave and beautiful to commit to working on yourself and healing, including reaching out to others for help. To have discovered that sense of self-awareness, bravery and powerful vulnerability so young is wonderful. I hope that you’re proud of yourself and that you continue to get support.
It sounds counterintuitive, but often the transition from not feeling good about ourselves to trying to embrace life more fully can itself be daunting – we’re moving out of our comfort zone, we’re opening ourselves up in new ways, and embracing a new vision of our future that is full of possibilities. That can be exciting and exhilarating – but also can feel overwhelming, so move slowly and keep asking for the help and support you deserve.
Secondly, you do not have a “severe” lack of experience. At all! The average age Irish people have sex for the first time is 17 or 18 – but that’s the average, which means many people your age will not have had sex or any serious relationships. You will not be alone in not having a lot of experience – and honestly, anyone who even considers judging you is just proving that they’re not worth your time. And in fact, if you have been working in therapy on ideas related to mental health – such as remaining aware of your emotional state and your boundaries, and clearly communicating your needs – in many ways, you’ll be ahead of the curve in how to make connections that feel healthy, authentic and fulfilling.
But for now, don’t worry about jumping into relationships or jumping into bed with anyone. You have done a lot of work on discovering what you need to be the best version of yourself, so for now, just enjoy that! Enjoy meeting new people as friends and trying a few things that you haven’t done before – try a new hobby, join a club, look up some fun documentaries and podcasts and make a note to tell someone all about them.
Building confidence
What you’re doing is building up your confidence, feeling comfortable socially, and exploring how to make new connections of all types. Then when you’re ready, you can hop on the apps and try go on a few low-stakes dates. Meet some people for a daytime coffee or a walk; keep it short and sweet so you don’t feel too much pressure and can keep aware of how you’re feeling. Honestly, when you start approaching dating as “I’m going to try have a nice afternoon” rather than “I am going on a Very Important Date”, everything gets a lot more fun and relaxed. Then, move slowly, and keep an eye out for friends and dates who make you feel relaxed and comfortable and good about yourself – and continue to be good to yourself, too. You deserve it.