Dear Roe,
I count myself lucky. I am a happily married man in my 40s. I love my wife, we have a good relationship and I am very attracted to her. I met her in my late 20s and there was an immediate connection – two years later we were married.
I’ve always known my wife’s sexual past was more exciting than mine. I never had much interest from girls and although I wasn’t a virgin when I met her, my experience came down to not very much.
My wife, on the other hand, started experimenting with sex as a teenager and was never short of a boyfriend; she was always in a relationship. I found some of things she did quite shocking.
I struggle with her past. Part of it is pure jealously, I would have liked to have been a popular 17-year-old and enjoyed those sexual experiences. I know that I shouldn’t judge her; it happened before she met me and she has always been an excellent partner. But it does bother me. Talking about it doesn’t help, so how can I move on?
You’re right to acknowledge how lucky you are, to be in a loving relationship for more than a decade. Holding on to this feeling will be key as you work through your issues of jealousy and decades-old regret, because right now, you’re unfairly projecting your feelings on to your wife.
Speaking to a professional will be helpful, as you can express your feelings and get useful strategies for how to disrupt repetitive negative thoughts.
Remember that your 17-year-old self most likely dreamed of the reality that you are living now – you have a full life with a loving marriage. Don't lose sight of all you have done to arrive at this point
It is natural to think back on our pasts and wish that we had done some things differently, and it’s obvious that you have some regrets about not having had more experiences before settling down.
But it’s important to remember three things. First, focus on your growth. In past experiences, most of us did the best we could with the tools we had, and regrets often come with personal progress – with more wisdom, more confidence, more self-assuredness, we look back on experiences and can imagine making different choices. This is a sign of growth, and should be embraced.
If you feel more equipped for adventure and new experiences, incorporate them into your relationship and your life now. You can’t change the past, but you can choose to enrich your present life in the ways you want. This could mean embracing new experiences generally, or asking your wife to try some new things with you sexually. Regrets are often wasted energy. Instead, turn the desire behind them into action for today.
Second, remember that your 17-year-old self most likely dreamed of the reality that you are living now – you have a full life with a loving marriage. Don’t lose sight of all you have done to arrive at this point.
Finally, work very hard to appreciate your wife and to stop your comparisons and projecting. Your wife’s experiences made her the person she is today: the person who loves and appreciates you.
You also need to remind yourself of how hypocritical (and misogynistic) it is to simultaneously be jealous of a woman’s sexual history while judging her for it. When these judgments come to your mind, remind yourself that you love and respect your wife both as an individual and as your partner. Remind yourself to be grateful for all the experiences that led you to each other.
Roe McDermott is a writer and Fulbright scholar with an MA in sexuality studies from San Francisco State University. She is researching a PhD in gendered and sexual citizenship at the Open University and Oxford
If you have a problem or query you would like her to answer, you can submit it anonymously at irishtimes.com/dearroe
