Dear Roe,
I’m a woman in a new relationship with a man, and we’re both in our late 20s. I really like him and find him insanely attractive. We’ve had sex a few times but have a recurring issue where my boyfriend will be erect during foreplay and touching – but when we move to have full sex, he’ll lose his erection.
He says he’s attracted to me and really wants to have sex with me, and does seem interested during the foreplay (and frustrated when we can’t have sex), but I’m worried that he’s losing it because he doesn’t fancy me that much or because I’m doing something wrong.
This is the subject for a different column, but we need to address the limited idea of sex and foreplay that posits that the only “real” sex that matters is penetrative sex, and that everything else is a mere irrelevant stepping stone.
In this instance, you’re in a relationship with a man who likes you, enjoying touching and eroticism – yet when penetrative sex doesn’t happen, you doubt that he is even attracted to you, even though he explicitly tells you that he is.
There are two important things to remember here. The first is that your relationship is new but seems to be going well, so don’t put too much pressure on yourselves, and trust that this man is interested in you.
The second thing to remember is that bodies are strange and wonderful entities that don’t always do exactly what we want them to. Ask anyone who has had an erection at a highly inconvenient time – sometimes genitals just don’t do exactly what we’d like at the exact time we’d like it.
Sex researcher Emily Nagoski has agreat TED talk on this issue, which she coined "arousal discordance"; when physiological or bodily arousal doesn't match up with mental arousal. She notes that sometimes people's physiological responses to stimuli don't always align with their subjective experience to pleasure and desire.
For example, a person could get an erection at a phrase, image or idea that they don’t actually feel sexually excited about or connected to; or a person could be hugely aroused but their vagina may not become lubricated naturally (or, importantly, a person could be not aroused and not consenting but could experience vaginal lubrication or even an orgasm, which shouldn’t be used as evidence of consent or a reason to disbelieve victims of sexual assault). The body and mind can sometimes respond in ways that don’t match, and it’s very common.
In this scenario, there are many reasons that your boyfriend may be losing his erection that have nothing to do with his attraction to you.
He could need to move a bit more slowly to comfortable. He could be feeling the pressure of sex in a new relationship. He could have some anxiety or stress (hello, global pandemic), or be tired or distracted or be on medication or have a medical condition or he could have had a drink too many. It may also be a cyclical anxiety response, in that he knows this has happened before and is stressing himself out.
There are a myriad of reasons that have nothing to do with you – and none of these reasons mean that he won’t be able to have penetrative sex in the future. Your relationship is new, so take your time, enjoy other sexual activities, keep communication open and, importantly, don’t put pressure on each other.
If this persists for weeks and months, it’s worth having a conversation, but for now, do what’s comfortable and fun for both of you, and don’t let this one issue detract from all the great things about this new relationship.